when buffy met edward

This is hilarious, and really well done: Buffy the Vampire Slayer treats Edward Cullen’s stalkertastic bullshit with the contempt (and ultimate staking) it deserves.

I was initially on the fence about True Blood, because the Twilight fucktardery kind of put me off the whole human girl/vampire boy love. But the 3rd episode, “Mine”, won me over. Bill lays down his “SUCKY IS MAHN!” thing to his vampire buddies, and explains to Sookie that it means she’s like his own personal juicebox. And instead of being all *swoonswoonswoon* at the thought of being someone’s property, like dumbass Bella Swan would have been, Sookie’s like EWW WTF YOU MOST CERTAINLY CAN NOT DRINK FROM ME!!1!

Sing it, girl! EMBROIDER IT ON A PILLOW! (Also: Bill didn’t really mean it anyway, he was just trying to keep meanypants vampires from drinking her blood. Bill Compton is a gentleman vampire, y’all.)

Incidentally, I ordered the first Charlaine Harris novel, Dead Until Dark, from Amazon yesterday. No one in the Sookieverse would ever unironically say *intense!*”You’re my own personal brand of heroin”, and I love it for that.

bill and sam

let me know when hot topic starts selling “bella swan freesia blood scenter”

edward-cullen-body-glitter-208x300 Aaand the #1 sign that this Twilight thing has jumped the shark*: Hot Topic is selling “Edward Cullen Body Shimmer”. Now you too can have the skin of a killer! But will it hold up when the police have to turn the firehoses on you?

*If you get me drunk enough, I would probably admit this is something I would have begged my mother to purchase for me, “Just for fun!!1!”, were I a 13-year-old girl today. God, am I grateful I did my growing up pre-internet.

the sound of a thousand training bras snapping: tween violence over twilight just made me buy online tix


If you were worried that the frenzied fanjinks of crazed Twilight fans (known as Twatlighters to the discerning few) were going to die off after they all returned their copies of Breaking Dawn, fear not! The first movie in the series is coming out in a few weeks, and it’s causing unprecedented levels of tween insanity.

It reached a crescendo this week during the San Francisco stop of the press junket, when about 3,000 girls overwhelmed a Hot Topic (God, where else?) signing that had expected, max, 500 people. One girl got her nose broken, another fainted, and the police did everything but turn the firehoses on them.

Robert Pattinson, who plays Edward Cullen, the ridiculously perfect vampire hero of the series, also played Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and is therefore no stranger to fandoms that can get, for lack of a ruder descriptive, “intense”. And even he seems a little taken aback by the reactions:

“I don’t do anything but go to screaming sessions anymore,” Pattinson said. “I don’t know what my actual life is now.”

Or, as a commenter on ONTD wryly put it: “Harry Potter had cute kids going up to drunks and shouting ‘Expelliarmus!’. Twilight has broken noses.”

Pattinson’s also described the collective screaming of fangirls as something you’d expect to hear “at the gates of hell”, said reading the books made him uncomfortable because it was like reading Stephanie Meyer’s sexual fantasies, and has had to deal with such madness as 7-year-old girls asking him to bite her. Christ on a pogo stick, no wonder he looks baked all the time. This shit has got to rattle the nerves.

I’ll admit it, the weirdness of Twilight mania combined with RPattz’s obvious scorn for the role is kind of making me want to fill a flask with limoncello and vodka and go see it opening weekend. Who will brave the squealing hordes with me?!

vampires are the new zombies: gen x carmudgeon struggles to understand the kids today

HBO’s new series about vampires, True Blood, was picked up for a second season just ten days after its premiere. So along with the runaway success of the Twilight series (the first movie is scheduled to be released this winter, and Stephanie Meyer is reputed to be re-writing the series from Edward Cullen’s POV, something I doubt the literary world was crying out for), I guess the spoke labeled “Bloodsuckers” in the wheel of pop culture trends has once again rolled up on top.

Every time a literary trope comes around again, the present generation tries to put its own unique spin on it. In the ’80s it was “Vampires are sexy, and sometimes aren’t entirely bad people! (Also, they’re often gay, and pithy thanks to Anne Rice.)” True Blood probably thinks they’re breaking new ground with this “Hillbilly Vampires” thing, except I already saw that movie in 1987; it was called Near Dark and starred Bishop and Nathan Petrelli. (Do yourself a favor and click that first link to see one of the greatest things ever, namely: Bishop doing “that thing with the knife” in a French dub. For some reason I couldn’t find it in English.) It also had a soundtrack by Tangerine Dream, something that could only happen in the ’80s.

Look, I understood the Harry Potter thing, obviously. Who wouldn’t want to feel like the fate of the world rests on their shoulders, and fantasize about killing people (or at least having a horde of canaries attack them) with the wave of a wand? But if the price of vampiric immortality means I have to spend eternity attending high school like Edward Cullen, or hanging out with homicidal bloodthirsty rednecks, count me out.

(Incidentally, have you noticed werewolves have become sort of passé? Nowadays it seems like they get thrown in as a lagniappe in stuff about vampires — Underworld, Twilight — but seem to be thought of as too boring to carry a story on their own.)

lolz! this animation combines 2 of my favorite things: “twilight” mockery and “the office”

“twilight”: the vampire series for mormons and other people whose moms think anne rice is too hardcore

So wow, the Twilight faithful are freaking the fuck out over Breaking Dawn, the 4th and allegedly final installment of Stephanie Meyers’ teenaged vampire romance series. I heard she had to twist her publisher’s arm into letting her write a 4th book; they’re probably wishing now they hadn’t given in, as the fans are turning the hysterical overreaction they used to put into defending the series from haterz into returning it by the truckload.

I’m not really sure why the fans hate it so much; other than a lot of caps-locked rage about CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!!1!, they’re not being real coherent. I might guess they’re upset over the in utero bloodsucking fetus Bella carries, or the fact that it’s birthed when a bunch of vampires tear her open, or that she names it Renesmee and gives it to a werewolf to raise; but none of these things is any stupider than what happened in the first three books.

I’m going to miss all the drama and commentroversy surrounding this idiotic series; happily, the first movie is due to come out just as the hysteria is dying down and start it all over again. And judging by the terrible Entertainment Weekly cover, it’s going to be cracktastingly awesome.

robert pattinson is terrified of “twilight” fangirls

Wow, he looks baked. Also, OMG HIS HAIR LOLZ!!

entertainment weekly’s “twilight” cover is here, and it’s HILARIOUS

There are many things hilariously wrong about this cover — indeed, about the whole Twilight phenom — but I think the one I most want answered right now is: Why on earth is Edward/Robert’s belt buckled on the side??

Also, his hair is… unfortunate. Is that on purpose? Is it going to look like that for the whole movie??

Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn’t get used to it, though I’d been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday’s hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn’t sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.

There’s basically nothing about Twilight that I don’t find utterly ridiculous, but yet somehow it fascinates me. The books are just so terribly-written, they literally are like fancfiction — bad fanfiction (the use of 3 adjectives where one will do; the minute description of clothing and hairstyles; the way everything is told by the first-person narrative, rather than shown through the dialogue or circumstance) — with Bella as the ultimate Mary Sue.

And the more you criticize them, the more hysterical its legions of 12-year-old-girl fans will get. If you venture into the comments of any Twilight-related post on ONTD, they’re almost immediately inundated with scathing comments from haters and histrionic defenses in glittery, 48-point text.

It’s very amusing, how furiously worked up and divided some people get over something with absolutely no real importance or consequences.




Edit: I’m not going to be approving any more shittily-spelled CAPSLOCK whines from Twatlighters. So any  12-year-old girls and grown women who really should know better who are flocking here to piss and moan about how not everyone thinks these stupid books are better than unicorn porn can fuck off and go write some Jacob/Edward slashfic, or whatever it is that you fill all the time not spent dating on.