shorter* mark ziegler:

Because I support Sarah Palin, she has to do everything I suggest.

See, this is the creepy dark side of the Cult of Sarah Palin. Because all the people worshiping her are conservative douchenozzles, they still think that, as a woman, she isn’t really allowed to make her own decisions.

Granted, whatever insane thing they come up with probably won’t be any more unhinged than the decisions she makes on her own–such as quitting halfway through her first term as governor. Because publicly not being able to hack governing a sparsely-populated, resources-rich state is always a springboard towards leading the free world! But it’s the principle of the thing.

They say they love and support her, but they wind up acting like every other controlling stalker freak convinced that the object of their obsession is sending them coded messages through their choice of eyeglass frames.

*”Shorter” format stolen from Sadly, No!.
Link found at Pandagon.

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this can no longer be ignored: letterman vs. palin

I’ve been trying to ignore the whole thing, but it won’t go away, because every time David Letterman says “You know what? Bad joke, my bad.”, Palin has to open her blowhole and spew a bunch of her ignorant verbal diarrhea all over the national stage. She’s a sneering attention whore who constantly uses her kids as human shields, because she’s just self-aware enough to know that a lot of people hate her stupid guts. Sometimes they’re literally shields, like when she dragged them out on the ice with her to drop the puck at the start of a hockey game, hoping she wouldn’t get boo’d (HA HA, you don’t know many hockey fans, do you?); then faux-lamented (fauxmented?) the poor taste of these toothless cretins, booing children.

The apotheosis of this fucktardery came yesterday, when she “accepted” Letterman’s formal apology and managed to work in a) the troops, b) her own uniquely short-bus “understanding” of the Constitution, and c) one more “Won’t someone please think of the children!” plea.

I love Wonkette, because they write the most bitterly caustic pieces about Palin without resorting to sexism, so I can still laugh at them.

Why does Sarah Palin treat her 14-year-old daughter, Willow, like a piece-of-shit Nerf shield? That’s the real story. Willow’s mother, Sarah Palin, thinks of her young, impressionable daughter as nothing more than a six-month-old McDonald’s bag, reeking of moldy onions, found under the car’s front seat when she’s desperately searching for something to vomit in after downing 20 Crown Royal & gingers, and meth, at eight in the morning.

Bonus lulz: These drooling morons picketing CBS and calling for Letterman’s firing. They’re all Leno fans, natch. Watch out for the spectacularly deranged woman screeching “DAVID LETTERMAN WILL RAPE YOUR CHILDREN WITH HIS MOUTH!!!” around 1:45.

In conclusion: We should carpet-bomb the entire state of Alaska, then sterilize any surviving Palins.

sarah palin makes us drink the hatorade: let’s look at some palin-hatred web culture

I love Sarah Palin! Not the idea of her anywhere near the White House, god no. That makes me wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night. But I do love all the comically negative artwork and memes that her haters are apparently busy cranking out 24-7, judging from the recent deluge.

Obama tends to inspire amazing photography and cool graphics. Oh sure, there’s anti-Obama “art” out there, but it tends to be mostly limited to the stuff that illiterate hillbillies scrawl on pieces of cardboard ripped off of their Natty Boh beer cases. Oh, Florida!

There already quite a few Sarah Palin-themed random generators:

The FakeSarahPalin Twitter went up before the RNC had left Minneapolis:

I really don’t understand transcengenderism. WHO COULD FINISH “WALDEN”? Ugh, so boring. NOBODY CARES HENRY!!!1 

Tina Fey’s rendition of Palin for SNL is already legendary, and she’s signed up to do it for another 6 episodes. The genius is that she mocks Palin with her own vaguely folksy-sounding nonsense and tortured syntax (Oil of coal, of course, is a fungible commodity and they don’t flag, ya know, the molecules where, where it’s going to, where it’s not), the skits being nearly all actual words Palin has said.

Remember Garbage Pail Kids? Introducing Sarah Cuda the Garbage Palin Kid! I’d say collect ‘em all (Gen X is a generation of OCD freaks, thanks to this COLLECT’ EM ALL!!! mania that toymakers hooked us with in the ’80s) but so far there’s only one.

An Alaskan restuarant is honoring the “lipstick on a pig” furor of last month with a Palin pig sandwich (it comes with a side of lipstick). The McPalin grilled sandwich is grilled pork tenderloin with caramelized apples, red onions, melted cheddar cheese and crisp bacon. That sounds like one delicious hate-inspired sammich. And you can wash it down with a bottle of Chilean Palin Syrah, which you should be able to get cheap, since sales have recently plummetted. Makes sense. Who drinks wine? Fancypants elitist Democrats!

The always-classy Larry Flynt is planning a Sarah Palin porno, tentatively titled Nailin’ Paylin (they had to change the spellling of her last name for legal reasons). Radar claimed to have gotten a leaked script; although Hustler Video later said it was a fake and there is no script as of yet, I imagine this is pretty indicative of the actual movie:

PALIN: Fuck me harder! HARDER! Pound me until my head is so empty that I can’t even remember the name of the one Supreme Court case I actually know! I want it to burn. Burn like a banned book. Oh God, Oh God, OH MY GOD! MAKE ME SEE RUSSIA FROM HERE!

Someone’s created a Sarah Palin Facebook. Look carefully, it’s full of gems like “You banned the Reading Books Application” and “McCain wrote: ‘Hey! You’re a woman, right? Are you busy for the next four years?'”

Oh, and then there’s this, which I actually thought was pro-Palin the first time I saw it.

shorter* sarah palin, debate version

I was told there would be talent and ball gown sections to this thing

I was told there would be talent and ball gown competitions to this thing

MAVERICK MAVERICK MAVERICK MAVERICK MAVERICK MAVERICK MAVERICK MAVERICK MAVERICK MAVERICK MAVERICK MAVERICK MAVERICK MAVERICK MAVERICK

Looks like the GOP’s pre-debate fluffing did its job: Biden clearly won, but everyone’s saying Palin “held her own” because she didn’t freeze up like Cindy Brady being asked the capital of Louisiana.

I mean sure, she answered every single question with a bunch of vague generalities and grating platitudes (I lose a little more of my will to live every time she says “hockey moms”); her “folksy” façade seemed even faker than usual (and seemed to border on nasty a couple of times — WTF was up with that?); and some of the things she said were downright bizarre (“I’m not going to answer the questions! When I’m veep I will demand more power!”). 

But she didn’t literally shit her pants, so let’s give the girl a thumbs-up! Plus Pat Buchanan says she won because she’s pretty.

I’m not 100% pleased with Biden, though. He avoided the verbal diarrhea and answered questions well, but I think he went a little too easy on Palin. Whether it was because he didn’t want to be perceived as beating up on a woman, or because he genuinely pities someone who’s dumber than a sack of doorknobs, I don’t know. But there were a couple of times when she was just begging for a stinging verbal smack, especially when she said Obama’s plan for Iraq “waved a white flag of surrender”. He’s got a son headed there too, you fucking cow. He’s got just as much invested in Iraq as you do, and he wants something a little more solid than “John McCain knows how to win a war! But it’s a secret, so you’ll just have to trust us.”

Also, Joe: Ease up a little on the self-tanner. You looked kind of orange.

*”Shorter” concept stolen from Sadly, No!

reality is in the tank for obama

Try not to get disttracted by shiny things.

Rule #1 in a debate: Try not to get distracted by shiny things.

There’s been so much Palin-related hilarity this week that I haven’t even been able to blog about it. I mean, every time I sit down at the keyboard, she says something even dumber than what I was about to mock.

The veep debates are tonight, and you better believe I’m looking forward to them. The campaign has been prepping her all week at McCain’s Sedona ranch, and the reports are… not good. So the GOP has launched an expectation-lowering campaign that will allow them to spin it as a win so long as Palin doesn’t literally shit her pants at the podium.

And if she does shit her pants, hey, it’s all because Gwen Ifill is in the tank for Obama. It’s disengenuous, to say the least, of the GOP to act like they just now found out about Ifill’s book about race and politics, and that it was some big secret. It was announced last June — in the conservative Washington Times. Apparently conservatives don’t know how to use “the Google”?

Sarah Palin’s voice makes me want to kill myself, but I’ll probably force myself to watch if only to count how many times she blurts out a nugget of vaguely folksy-sounding nonsense. Debate drinking game! Every time she uses her signature bizarre, tortured syntax: Chug! Here’s a typical example, when Katie Couric asked her what publications she reads, and Palin couldn’t name a single one:

Um, all of them, any of them that have been in front of me over all these years… I have a vast variety of sources where we get our news.

WHO TALKS LIKE THAT? WHO??

“she turned me into a newt! …i got better.”

Bill Donohue, the college years

Bill Donohue, the college years

Bill Donohue, Catholic wackadoo extraordinaire, has released a statement defending Palin from the meanie librul bloggers who have been slamming her over the fact that a Kenyan minister visited her Wasilla church when she ran for Governor, to bless her and to defend her from witchcraft. That’s not like, symbolic or anything. Actual witchcraft.

You probably haven’t heard anything about this from the MSM, even though a few months ago they ran footage of Rev. Wright’s crazy rants (made when Obama wasn’t even in attandance) on a near-continuous loop, because they’re a bunch of spineless brown-nosing Rethug suck-ups.

Anyone who still claims the media has a liberal bias needs to be pelted with rocks. Heavy ones.

Anyway, among other mind-boggling sentences that seem to suggest Donohue’s internal calendar is stuck on 1692, there’s this insane gem:

Witchcraft is a sad reality in many parts of Africa, resulting in scores of deaths in Kenya over the past two decades.

You know, maybe we’re being too hard on him. Perhaps it’s a typo? Here Bill, allow me to fix that for you:

False accusations of Witchcraft is a sad reality in many parts of Africa, resulting in scores of deaths in Kenya over the past two decades.

You’re welcome, you fucking choad.

Hat tip to Pandagon

thank you, GOP!: the top 5 reasons why i heart sarah palin

Miss Wasilla, 1984. Suck on THAT, Biden!

Miss Wasilla, 1984. Suck on THAT, Biden!

Much like Matt Damon, I am terrified of the thought of Sarah Palin anywhere actually near the White House. However, while she may be many bad things, one thing she isn’t is boring. So until November, strap yourself to the LOLercoaster that is her veep candidacy and enjoy the ride!

1. Let’s start with the cheap shots: What is up with her kids’ names? Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow, and Piper. Is the zealously Christian (her church believes in prayin’ away the gay) Palin aware that the last two are shared by famous teevee witches?

Bonus: The Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator!

2. Watching the “humorless feminist” blogger brigade both deride the GOP for suddenly discovering sexism now that they got a chick on the team; and defend Palin from actual, legitimate sexism. Cognitive dissonance is a cheap high whose effects are similar to sniffing glue.

3. The fact that her candidacy is such a soap opera that even tabloids are putting her on their covers. Don’t tell the McCampaign that, though; they think Us Weekly is a serious political periodical called The US Weekly.

4. The hilarity of the convoluted arguments that the GOP is forced to use in an attempt to dupe the American public into believing that this woman is at all qualified to be a heartbeat away from Leader of the Free World. She knows more about foreign policy because Alaska is the state closest to Russia, and it was never invaded by rampaging Cossacks under her watch. And as Jon Stewart says, by this “logic” she’s also thoroughly versed in the space program, since Alaska’s Mt. McKinley is the highest mountain in North America, and therefore closest to space!

5. There are a hundred other things I could have put in the final slot (Arial wolf-hunting! Governmental tanning beds! Alaskan secession!) but what the hell, let’s go with the fact that an Anchorage carwash she and her husband were part owners in was shut down last year due to some economic hijinks. This woman couldn’t even run a carwash, and the GOP wants her to be next in line to the Presidency behind a man who’s eleventy-thousand years old.

Only tangentially related: The Falling Sarah Palin Screensaver (Pitbulls With Lipstick Edition), from the blogger who brought us the Falling George Bush Screensaver.

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