thank you, GOP!: the top 5 reasons why i heart sarah palin

Miss Wasilla, 1984. Suck on THAT, Biden!

Miss Wasilla, 1984. Suck on THAT, Biden!

Much like Matt Damon, I am terrified of the thought of Sarah Palin anywhere actually near the White House. However, while she may be many bad things, one thing she isn’t is boring. So until November, strap yourself to the LOLercoaster that is her veep candidacy and enjoy the ride!

1. Let’s start with the cheap shots: What is up with her kids’ names? Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow, and Piper. Is the zealously Christian (her church believes in prayin’ away the gay) Palin aware that the last two are shared by famous teevee witches?

Bonus: The Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator!

2. Watching the “humorless feminist” blogger brigade both deride the GOP for suddenly discovering sexism now that they got a chick on the team; and defend Palin from actual, legitimate sexism. Cognitive dissonance is a cheap high whose effects are similar to sniffing glue.

3. The fact that her candidacy is such a soap opera that even tabloids are putting her on their covers. Don’t tell the McCampaign that, though; they think Us Weekly is a serious political periodical called The US Weekly.

4. The hilarity of the convoluted arguments that the GOP is forced to use in an attempt to dupe the American public into believing that this woman is at all qualified to be a heartbeat away from Leader of the Free World. She knows more about foreign policy because Alaska is the state closest to Russia, and it was never invaded by rampaging Cossacks under her watch. And as Jon Stewart says, by this “logic” she’s also thoroughly versed in the space program, since Alaska’s Mt. McKinley is the highest mountain in North America, and therefore closest to space!

5. There are a hundred other things I could have put in the final slot (Arial wolf-hunting! Governmental tanning beds! Alaskan secession!) but what the hell, let’s go with the fact that an Anchorage carwash she and her husband were part owners in was shut down last year due to some economic hijinks. This woman couldn’t even run a carwash, and the GOP wants her to be next in line to the Presidency behind a man who’s eleventy-thousand years old.

Only tangentially related: The Falling Sarah Palin Screensaver (Pitbulls With Lipstick Edition), from the blogger who brought us the Falling George Bush Screensaver.