campari: mixes great with body image issues!

jessica-alba-campari-ad

You probably thought Jessica Alba was hot, right? Wrong! She’s a fucking dog! At least according to Campari, who paid her to pose for an ad… then whittled away her waist, hips, and thighs; darkened her tan; pumped up her boobs; changed the direction of her eyes; erased her Mona Lisa smile and plastered a come-hither snarl onto her face; and made her hair more wind-blown. Stupid unsexy stationary hair!

Why do actresses allow their images to be Photoshopped into something resembling plastic sexdolls to hock booze and cheap drugstore make-up? Is the money really that good? Granted, Alba probably doesn’t have tons of personal dignity, judging by the awful movies on her CV (including The Love Guru, one of the most universally reviled crapfests of the decade). But even respected actresses — even respected actors! — are routinely given the Photoshop of Horrors treatment.

They should follow Kate Winslet’s admirable example: After a hack job for Vanity Fair that left her virtually unrecognizable, she only agreed to be the face of Lancôme’s Trésor perfume if they promised not to airbrush her. Of course, Kate Winslet can probably command that kind of obedience, because she’s Kate friggin’ Winslet. If Jessica Alba tried it, Campari would probably just throw her out on her ass, and get some other freakishly puffy-lipped flavor-of-the-year to whore herself out.

If actors really need the extra buxxx that badly, they should go the slightly less humiliating route of making bizarre Japanese commercials.

exactly what color IS beyonce?*

Last week, L’Oréal denied they had photoshopped an ad featuring Beyonce Knowles to make her skin appear lighter. Well, let’s just do a side-by-side comparison, shall we?

Here is the ad in question…

… and here is a photo I got by randomly Image Googling “Beyonce Knowles”.

Yeah, unless she was wearing a whole lot of the wrong shade of foundation for that photoshoot, I’m comfortable in saying L’Oréal is full of shit.

But the hilarity continues!

Now L’Oréal is being accused of darkening the ad for Essence, a publication aimed at black readers. Let’s just hope L’Oréal doesn’t sell the ad to Quadruple Amputee’s Monthly or Two-Headed Circus Freak’s Quarterly.

For fuck’s sake, what is wrong with these cosmetic companies? I mean, they hire these women to represent their products because they’re beautiful; then they tinker, airbrush, and photoshop away everything that makes them the slightest bit unique. Or try to “tailor” their beauty to specific markets.

And of course the conflation of “beauty” with “whiteness” (light skin, straight hair) is just all kinds of fucked up and gross. This seems as good a time as any to harp on the fact that Dove, of the “Campaign for Real Beauty” ads, is owned by Unilever, which sells the #1 skin lightening cream in South Asia. (They also make Axe Body Spray, they of the sexist and degrading commercials.)

It’s why there’s such a dearth of in-demand black models in the fashion industry. There’s Naomi Campbell, and… err… wait, one will come to me… nope, I got nothing. Vogue’s “solution” to this was to print an all-black issue of Vogue Italia. It’s an interesting idea, but like so many of fashion’s “solutions” to problems endemic in the industry (sweatshops, eating disorders), it looks pretty but does nothing to address the root cause.

Would this still be considered “blackface”?

*Please do not leave comments informing me that Beyonce is black. The title is a rhetorical question, duh. I’ve already approved one and replied to it; any further such comments will be reported as spam and ignored.

phunky photoshop phriday: can you spot the extra arm in this gap ad?

And why are they making the black model hang out by herself? Did she fart, or is this more evidence of weird racial bias in fashion photography?

There’s also something definately unnatural about the way that model on the right has her hand on the other one’s shoulder, but I almost didn’t notice as I was too busy boggling over the fact that Gap is now apparently using circus freaks in their advertising. Way to diversify!

source: ONTD

oops! iran gets caught photoshopping their missile test launch

4 missiles are 25% scarier than merely 3! It says so in the Quran! It’s towards the back somewhere.

 

 

 

As news spread across the world of Iran’s provocative missile tests, so did an image of four missiles heading skyward in unison. Unfortunately, it appeared to contain one too many missiles, a point that had not emerged before the photo was used on the front pages of The Los Angeles Times, The Financial Times, The Chicago Tribune and several other newspapers as well as on BBC News, MSNBC, Yahoo! News, NYTimes.com and many other major news Web sites.

Hey, we’ve all been there, Iran: You do something stupid, you try to cover it up, you get caught, and you wind up with egg all over your face. Only for most of us, it’s small shit, like getting wasted on a bottle of your housemate’s expensive Finnish vodka, and replacing it with water in a hungover panic the next morning. They totally won’t notice that the next time they make themselves a Rusty Nail!

What’s the international equivalent of stealing Iran’s prized VHS movie collection and selling it to Rasputin’s in revenge?