carrie prejean to sue entire world

You're fired.

You're fired.

I’m honestly amazed this didn’t happen months ago: Carrie Prejean suing pageant officials for libel, public disclosure of private facts, religious discrimination, intentional infliction of emotional distress, and negligent infliction of emotional distress. Does this mean she has to give her boobs back?

Look, negligent infliction of emotional distress she could overlook; but do you really expect her to let intentional infliction of emotional distress slide?! “Infliction of emotional distress” is Lawyerese for “Waaaaah, my widdle feewings are huwt! Give me money.”

Poor dumb conservitards. They think “free speech” means they can go on the teevee and say stunningly moronic things (ie. “opposite marriage”), and no one gets to make fun of them for it, ever, or they have to pay them money, and maybe buy them a new rack. But keeping a huge minority second-class citizens because you think any kind of sex other than baby-making, penis-in-vagina sex is icky? Totally okay!

If Miss Prejean was really fired for her religious and political views, she would, of course, have a case. But she wasn’t. She was fired for blowing off her contractually obligated Miss California appearances to march in the Carrie Prejean Is A Bigger Martyr Than Jesus Parade. That’s like me not going to work in lieu of spending the day pelting the Mormon Tabernacle Choir with pies; then screaming about religious discrimination when I get canned. It’s not what I did with the time I didn’t go to work, it’s the fact that I didn’t go to work.

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may is “do as i say, not as i do” month for pretty white gals!

Help help, I'm being oppressed!

Help help, I'm being oppressed!

First we have Bristol Palin, famous unwed teenage mother and daughter of the arial wolf-slaughterin’ snowbilly Queen of Alaska. She’s got a gig going around to schools and lecturing the younguns about how much being a teen mom sucks!

And if it’s hard for someone who gets to dump her kid with rich relatives while she galavants around the country getting paid to wag her finger; imagine how much it would really suck for the typical acne-riddled, Twilight-obsessed suburban teen slut, trying to subsist on the mistake burgers she fishes out of the trash during her unpaid forced overtime at McDonald’s.

And then there’s probably-soon-to-be-former Miss California, Carrie Prejean. She infamously lost her chance to be Miss USA earlier this month when gross, infantile Internet Monster Perez Hilton asked her about gay marriage and she spat out some garbled nonsense about “opposite marriage”. Dumb answer, Carrie! That lost you more points than visible camel toe during the swimsuit competition!

Prejean and the “Christian” organizations that swooped in to make her the fresh new face of homo-hating immediately started painting her as Jesus II. He was crucified for his beliefs; she lost out on a chance to wear a tiara and open malls. It’s the same thing!! So naturally, all kinds of crazy rumors about pageant officials buying her falsies and topless photos immediately started to surface, because conservatives still don’t get that this newfangled internet thing now makes these things very easy to find out.

Whatever, wake me up when the inevitable bestiality 3-way with Jerry Fallwell’s corpse photos surface.