what the fuck is this shit?: please do not molest the bipedal sea monkey

I understand there are people who unironically wish they had been alive in the 1980s. These people are either too young to actually remember that decade; or they are all suffering long term memory damage as the result of severe head trauma. I mean sure, the music was good, and John Hughes was making movies that didn’t suck. But the Reagan years were also full of nightmarish nonsense like this vintage PSA:

It’s like Groundhog Day, if Bill Murray played a weird alien kid who, instead of seeing a rodent predict the weather every day, was constantly being raped by a succession of skeevy white guys.

In addition to everything else that’s baffling and bizarre about this PSA, Stranger Danger was a comically inept program that taught my generation that every passing stranger was plotting on bundling you into a windowless white van and diddling your bad touch areas. Of course, you’re far more likely to be molested by that creepy old bachelor uncle who constantly jingles the keys/coins in his pocket and always drinks too much at Thanksgiving.

A quarter century of brainwashing kids with this nonsense has led to lost children actually hiding from the people sent to rescue them, because they think the strangers are going to abduct them. This is what happens when you leave child safety policy up to pearl-clutching “concerned citizens”, instead of the police and other people who might actually know what the fuck they’re talking about.

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drug smuggling jumps the shark: COCAINE SHARKS!

Earlier this week the Mexican Navy found more than a ton of cocaine hidden inside 112 frozen shark carcases. Well, coked-up sharks would explain this:

Is there that much of a market for frozen shark carcasses; or did these drug smugglers think “You know what no one will ever look inside of? SHARKS.” Either way, they’ve set the bar impossibly high for awesome things to stuff drugs inside of. The only thing that would top it is live giant squids.

what the fuck is this shit?: “after last season”

I’ve been seeing mentions of this movie pop up on various blogs for the last couple of months. Apparently it actually opened in theaters this week… in four cities that seem to have been chosen by a Cinemark executive throwing darts at a map of the US while wearing a blindfold.

It allegedly cost 10 years and $5 million dollars to make. That time and money must have been spent on hookers and blow, because it certainly wasn’t spent on sets, effects, location shots, film/acting lessons for ANYONE involved, or a script that made a lick of sense. This was clearly filmed in someone’s suburban home by setting the camera on a shelf and just letting ‘er rip. Every single shot is medium, the “MRI machine” is quite obviously made of cardboard, and the effects look like someone accidentally spliced in random shots from The Sims.

No one can quite decide if this is some kind of Mumblecore prank or Dogme 95 parody, or if Mark Region is his generation’s Ed Wood. But it’s up 501% in popularity this week at IMDb, so the “producers” (probably the most senile residents of the local old folks’ home) probably don’t care, so long as everyone keeps talking about it.

Also, you may be amused by the IMDb posts about it, most of which I’m pretty sure were started by drunk Videogum commenters.

did lars von trier lose a bet with eli roth?

anticrist

I don’t like Lars von Triers’ movies, which seem to be exercises in how much human suffering and misery can be crammed into 120 minutes of film. Having said that, he really seems to have gone above and beyond in his latest, Antichrist, where much of the suffering takes the form of graphic violence. However, fans of gore will likely find it to be too arty (between shots of people getting their genitals smashed with blunt objects), while von Triers’ usual fans will be left wondering why the hell they’re being forced to watch torture porn.

The word is that von Triers made it after coming down from a 2-year bout of depression that left him wondering if he’d ever make another movie. At the risk of pushing him over the edge, it sounds like maybe he should have listened to his gut. It was greeted with bafflement and hoots of derision at Cannes, and Variety derides it as von Trier “cutting a big fat art-film fart”. (And Jeffrey Wells called it a “fartbomb” — I sense a theme here!)

I have no idea if Antichrist is actually about the Antichrist, because none of the reviewers have been able to figure out what the hell it is about. Too bad, because then Willem Dafoe would have played Christ and Antichrist, which is pretty cool. (Do they explode if they touch?) Suffice it to say: it starts with a toddler falling out of a window and splashing all over the pavement while his parents bone in the next room (but it’s in B&W, so it’s art, not porn!); someone goes crazy; and then a bunch of genital-based mutilation occurs, most of which is shown in shocking full-color close-up. Many of the reviewers are tip-toeing around descriptions of the latter, but you can read all about what happens to Willem Dafoe’s testicles here if you really want to never uncross your legs again.

Also, this happens:

After the woman is pushed to confess that she’s most afraid of their property deep in the forest — where the she spent part of the previous summer alone with her son — that’s where hubby take her. This chapter on “Pain” actually charts the woman’s self-proclaimed recovery, but ends unpromisingly with a disemboweled fox rising out of the ferns to announce, “Chaos Reigns.”

That’s not like, a metaphor. The disemboweled fox actually talks. I’m thinking maybe von Triers needs to go back for another round of meds.

this is why the internet was invented: tiptoes!

Once upon a time, actors could make awful, terrible movies that went straight to the $1 VHS bins at fine gas stations everywhere, and not worry that anyone besides bored suburban stoners would ever know about it. Why they made these terrible movies is not known. Maybe they looked better on paper; more likely, it had to do with how much they owed their coke dealer. The point is: They could make them, cash their checks, and go back to Oscar-grubbing by playing ugly retarded serial killers or whatever, and very few people would be the wiser.

But now, thanks to the miracle of the internet and the persistence of sarcastic bloggers, these terrible movies — or at least their trailers — can now be preserved forever and shared to all. Much thanks to Videogum for digging up the trailer for Tiptoes, a movie that Gary Oldman and Kate Beckinsale probably prayed no one would ever find out about. (Matthew “Naked Stoned Bongos” McConaughey has no shame, he probably doesn’t give a rat’s ass.)

We knew about dwarves in 2003, right? It was only six years ago! So why is this movie acting like the normal reaction is to flee screaming from them, and the world is in desperate need of a PSA to let us all know that Dwarves Are People, Too? Don’t Look Now was made before I was born, no one really thinks they’re all stabby maniacs anymore. Come on!

There are many, many questions raised by this trailer: Are we really supposed to believe Beckinsale is Jewish? Why is the announcer so unbearably smug, as is the movie were a critically-acclaimed work of genius? What the hell is up with the way McConaughey is dancing at 1:23?

But the most puzzling question has to be: It looks like they got every dwarf in America to be in this movie, including Peter Dinklage and The Man From Another Place and a blonde woman I’m pretty sure is a porn star. SO WHY DIDN’T THEY GET ONE OF THE ACTUAL DWARVES TO PLAY THE MAIN PART??? Instead they have Gary Oldman walking around on his knees, in what is described as “The role of a lifetime”.

Well, that phrase isn’t necessarily complimentary. “The most soul-blightingly humiliating role of a lifetime!”

what is wrong with this picture?

Other than the fact that the previous report that Wednesday’s temperatures would be in the low 70s turned out to be VICIOUS, DAMNABLE LIES.

wtf-weather

If it’s already 82 degrees out at just past noon, why are you still showing a forecasted high of 81?

I have no trouble at all believing that only half the population really understand weather forecasts. Including, apparently, the people who get paid for making them.

Heat makes me cranky.

is it still offensive if makes no fucking sense whatever?

Hey, how can we top that horrible New Yorker cover? I know, let’s compare the nation’s first African American President to a monkey that’s been gunned down by white policemen!

chimp20comic-thumb-450x306-923

I know the New York Post is claiming that it’s a “satire” of the chimp that had to be shot in Connecticut earlier this week after it attacked its owner. But what the hell does that have to do with the economy? You can’t just take 2 random, totally unrelated news items, shove them together, and go “Haw haw, it’s SATIRE!” Humor doesn’t work that way.

But this is the Post, which is notoriusly stupid and purposely offensive, so maybe we should cut them some slack. It’s like getting mad at The National Enquirer for having low fact-checking standards when they put a 72-point headline about how Nostradamus predicted that Paris Hilton is really an organ-harvesting alien from Planet Reticulon-7 on the cover.

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