Shorter Phil Robertson

“I love* gay people like Jesus said to.”

*”Love” here meaning “Really hate, but I don’t have the guts to deal with the fallout that being honest would cause”.

Good ol’ Phil must have read a different version of the Bible than I have, because in the one I read Jesus said fuck-all about homosexuality. It must be the same version all the wingnuts read, in which God condemns abortion and personally endorses the US of A.

Bonus derp: He claimed “no black people were singing the blues” before the Civil Rights era made them git all uppity. He did not add “Except for the black people who invented that very musical genre as a response to being second-class citizens”, so I see he knows music history as well as he knows the Bible.

I kind of hate myself for even addressing this, because everything that comes out of his mouth is such an obvious ploy to dig the ratings of his show out of the crater and/or move copies of his (to use Wonkette’s phrasing) book-shaped object. I can see that, but I can’t resist pointing out how stupid and wrong his words are. The only conservative bobblehead whose low-hanging fruit I absolutely refuse to pick (anymore) is Ann Coulter’s. Her only purpose in life is to get people ginned up, and she doesn’t care whether they’re for her or agin’ her. She’ll take whatever you got, so she gets nothing from me.

It’s been a bad year for Louisiana-set “reality” shows; apparently “Son of Guns” has been cancelled due to the host’s now-adult daughter claiming he molested her as a child. This is a show that flew so far under my radar that I didn’t know it existed until I read about its cancellation on the Bayou Progressive’s Facebook page. I avoid these shows because they traffic in grotesque stereotypes about Louisiana and appropriation/misrepresentation of Cajun culture.

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your reminder that some man-hating feminazis (TM) love make-up

One of the weirdest yet most creative and awesome things to emerge from the Hannibal fandom is the series of Aromaleigh mineral eyeshadows, “This Is My Design”. They released 2 or 3 a week while the 2nd season was airing, and finished the collection out with 30.

I recently purchased all 3 Urban Decay Naked palettes, and I figured that would be the stuff I wore from now until the heat death of the universe. I mean, it hits me right in my sweet spot–colorful enough to be interesting but still neutral, a wide range of shades from barely-there highlights to almost-blacks, and sparkly-shimmery. (The palettes contain matte shades, and I used to wear matte eyeshadow, but at some point in my mid-30s matte eyeshadows started to look really awful on my skin, like I had slapped mud onto my eyelids. So I stick to the sparkles now.)

But being a brown-eyed brunette with fair skin, I love warm gold-toned eyeshadows. And the Naked palettes only contain one, Half Baked, although it is in 2 of the 3 palettes. So I decided I couldn’t live without the TIMD shade Apiary one minute longer:

apiary

Inspired by Amanda Plummer’s sun room and jars of honey (the honey is people), it’s got enough brown/olive in it to keep it from being obnoxious.

So Aromaleigh hooked me with one shade, and then of course it just snowballed from there:

woofveneersurviveperceptionchrysalisbone arenaantler velvet

Basically I bought anything that was described as “greige”, had copper highlights, or looked like an interesting enough brown (which was all of the browns, so I had a hard time narrowing it down). Survive, Veneer, and Woof! are going to look amazing worn together, I think. Bone Arena and Chrysalis will both make great highlight colors. (The name Bone Arena comes from the pilot when Hannibal says to Will “No forts in the bone arena of your skull for the things you love”, which I love for its sheer baroqueness–it makes perfect sense in context, but it’s such a weird way to express the sentiment.) And Perception and Antler Velvet will make good lid and crease colors that will pair with a lot of things.

They’re on sale right now so I could justify buying 8. I think I will eventually also need these colors:

lure cygnus persuasion

Honorable mention:

craquelure

My green eyeshadow-wearing days are behind me but HOLY SHIT I LOVE THIS COLOR. I wish there was some way to turn it into nail polish. (My green nail polish-wearing days are NOT behind me, although I rarely wear polish of any color nowadays.)

True Detective

Anyone else watching this new HBO show? It takes place in my corner of Louisiana, Cajun country/Louisiana prairie. (Yes, south Louisiana has prairie. It’s not all gator-infested bayou.) It’s always nice when Hollywood remembers that the state isn’t entirely made up of just New Orleans, much as I love the city. In fact, the murder victim in the pilot is found in Erath, which is literally down the road from me: if you go to the end of my street and cross LA-14 (which is a rural highway, so probably not what most of you think of when you think of a highway), you’d be in Erath.

true detective

Visually, I’d say it’s entirely an accurate representation of south Louisiana, which makes sense because they filmed it here. The rustling cane fields, the sugar and natural gas refineries spewing white smoke, the murmuration (seriously, that’s what it’s called) of starlings swirling through the air, the single huge oak standing out in a flat field. And of course, the abandoned church. I’m sure it was a set built for the show, but things like that exist here; I’ve photographed a bunch of them. When something in Louisiana burns down or gets wrecked in a hurricane or just abandoned, it doesn’t always get torn down and tidied up.

And the writing and acting is good, too. The storyline is more of a slow burn, but I prefer that to car chases and explosions every 30 seconds. Admittedly, the popular notion of Louisiana as (to use the A.V. Club’s words) “a lawless, hothouse trouble spot populated by weirdoes, freaks, perverts, vampires, hoodoo wimmen, and gangsters plotting to assassinate the president” sometimes gets old to those of us that live here. The only show to ever realistically portray Louisiana as a place where (mostly) normal people live (mostly) normal lives remains Tremé; perhaps not coincidentally, that show had dismal ratings. (Also–sort of–the ’80s sitcom Frank’s Place. Which lasted a single season. And also the premise was that Frank had to run the family business and stay in NOLA rather than sell it and move back to New England because of a Voodoo curse. So that’s really kind of a wash.)

But you know, I’ll take weird religious serial killers and creepy abandoned churches and matriarchal brothels out in the wilderness over the current “reality” TV portrayal of Louisianans as a bunch of mouth-breathing, gator-wrasslin’, drunken hillbillies.

Oh, and if you saw the photo of Dora Lange as a child surrounded by men on horseback wearing pointed hoods and thought OMG KKK, no. Those were Courir de Mardi Gras:

Courir de Mardi Gras_Dejouant ses bourreaux_HRoe_2012

The pointed hat is a traditional part of the local Mardi Gras costume and has been around much longer than the Klan. Wearing cheap plastic beads and flashing your boobs and/or dressing like a demented streetwalker is a New Orleans thing.

the walking dead: my viewing timeline

Read "Backlash" or I'll chew your face off!

Pilot: Okay, there were 2 women in this thing — live ones, anway — they had exactly one scene, and only one of them displayed any kind of personality. And that personality was “Make half-hearted attempt to stand up for something you believe is right; capitulate immediately to the alpha male and go make out with him in the forest”. But okay, it’s the pilot, you really shouldn’t judge shows by them.

Episode One: Why are they making the woman whose idea it was to look for escape via the sewer wait on the roof while two dudes who know nothing on the subject crawl around in the tunnels? (The cartoonishly racist character played by Michael Rooker was also offensive; not because he was racist but because it suggested that all racist people are really oafish and obvious in their racism. We all know that nowadays, the more subtle forms of dogwhistle racism are much more corrosive.)

Episode 2: Okay, WOW. Apparently women’s job in the zombie apocalypse will be laundry. And cowering in the bushes whenever a zombie shambles into camp.

Episode 3: Oh look, women got to do something besides laundry: fish! You know what, too little too late. Peace out, show.

Look, my problem with this show is not that some of the characters are sexist. It’s that the show itself is sexist. It assumes that when civilization collapses, everyone will just blindly fall back into these rigid, archaic gender roles. And except for some token grumbling by them uppity kollij-edumacated wimminz, this will be accepted as just and meet. It treats the notion that women are human beings as some kind of silly indulgence of effete civilizations that will just naturally fall by the wayside when the shit hits the fan.

One of the things I’ve always liked about end-of-the-world scenarios is the theme of people rising above, of finding strength they didn’t know they had. World War Z is a great example of this, as is the classic doomsday comet novel from the 1970s Lucifer’s Hammer (and let’s just ignore, for our purposes here, the parts of that book that are horribly racist). People that can contribute to the camp are going to be treated well for it, and what they’re packing between their legs is secondary. Sitting on your ass all day, like that wife-beater; or freaking out and maniacally digging graves until you get sunstroke and have to be tied to a tree? Hit the road, you wastes of skin.

Not to succumb to internet tough guy-ism here, but I really don’t see myself finding a man to take care of the scary monsters for me when the dead rise from their graves. I’ve read The Zombie Survival Guide. I’m going looting at Academy Sports in Lafayette (picture a super Wal-Mart with nothing but guns and other weapons and sporting goods) and TCOB myself. Plus, I know how to pickle (and theoretically, preserve meat). Dude, I would totally make it.

I’ve heard from people who read the graphic novels that the television show made some improvements, and hooray for them, I guess. But there’s always gonne be something that’s more sexist. It doesn’t mean I have to accept things that are a little less sexist.

what happens when a happy hippo meets a hungry, hungry hippo?

Today was the first day in nearly 5 months where, when I left the building at noon to move my car so I wasn’t blocking anyone in, I didn’t want to drop dead from the heat and humidity. It was actually… pleasant. And when I left the house this morning it was… chilly. AND! I only used my a/c at about 1/2 power on the way to work. *GASP*

We may have another hot flash before it leaves town for good, but summer’s ugly grasping claws finally seem to be loosening its deathgrip.

I made supper (we eat breakfast, dinner, and supper in Louisiana) for my grandmother last night* and didn’t feel like planning a bento on top of that, and Rouses was having a 2 for $5 sale on those Stouffer’s frozen subs, so I just bought a bunch of them for my lunches this week. But I also have a Happy Hippo milk & cocoa creme biscuit. I bought a box at World Market a while back. THEY ARE AWESOME AND YOU ARE JELLUS

*I made my famous maple-mustard chicken, the recipe of which I’ve never posted because I always, ALWAYS forget to take a photo of it. I forgot last night too, so fuck it, here’s the recipe:

Preheat oven to 450 degrees.
Put 1.5-2 lbs. boneless chicken thighs in a single layer in a glass oven-proof casserole dish, season with salt & pepper to taste.
Mix 1/2 cup Dijon mustard, 1/4 cup pure maple syrup (ACTUAL maple syrup, not sugary fake crap like Log Cabin), and 1 tbsp. unseasoned rice vinegar. Pour over chicken, turning pieces once to thoroughly coat, and cook for 20-25 minutes.
A good trick, which I almost always forget, is to line the dish with aluminum foil so you don’t spend the next week scraping burnt maple sugar off the casserole dish.
From the I ❤ Trader Joe’s Cookbook

I also made my cheddar garlic biscuits, even though Mom says Granny “isn’t a bread person”, but I think she liked them. Mom said Grandpa would have loved them; “But he thought anything you did was ***~~WONDERFUL~~***.” I miss Grandpa. Everyone should have one person who thinks everything they do is ***~~WONDERFUL~~***.

A show I forgot to mention in my quick capsule review of the 2010-2011 teevee season is AMC’s Rubicon. It’s sort of like Three Days of the Condor, if that movie moved at a glacial pace. And that’s not a bad thing, the slow pace really makes you sit up and think about what you’re seeing; as opposed to 24-style *car bombs* *people getting tortured* *hero yelling all manly WE HAVE TO FIND THE BOMB!!!* that totally numbs your brain after half an episode.

I am also looking forward to AMC’s The Walking Dead, which premieres on Halloween. Zombies + Lennie James + the director of Shawshank Redemption (okay so he also directed The Green Mile, I DON’T CARE LIFETIME PASS FOR SR Y’ALL) = me, glued to the TV.

Also, this season of Hoarders has been an absolutely horrifying trainwreck, if the train was filled with cat poo and collided with a mountain of garbage bags filled with human poo.

2010-2011 teevee season

Basically the only thing I am really excited about is HBO’s Boardwalk Empire. They had me at Tracy Middendorf spraying a crowd with a bottle of bubbly just as the Volstead Act took effect:

See, Prohibition was supposed to keep blue collar men from drinking up their entire paychecks and forcing their sons to go kill wharf rats in the snow to keep the family from starving. Instead, those men kept right on drinking, only now their mint juleps, sidecars, Harvey Wallbangers, and other old-timey cocktails cost about 10 times more. IT’S AN ALLEGORY FOR THE WAR ON DRUGS OKAY

Also, I have always been weirdly attracted to Steve Buscemi and am happy to see him play kind of a badass… even if his sex scenes are mostly played for laughs.

Hawaii 5-0: Yeah, this was as dumb as I thought it would be. I mean, I’m glad Daniel Dae Kim is getting work, and I may have emitted a tiny “woot” when Alex O’Loughlin said “Book ‘im, Danno”, but it’s… really not my cup of tea.

The Event: This is trying really hard to be the next Lost, except for where they got a little 24 on their shirt. I don’t know, it’s impossible to judge a show by its pilot, but I wasn’t terribly impressed. I’m kind of “meh” on the cast, except for Zeljko Ivanek and Tony Todd, and they look to be more supporting than main cast.

The season premiere of Fringe was amazing, the season premiere of Criminal Minds* was lousy, and in January we’ll have 10 new eps of Southland. Thank you, TNT! Oh, and I’m off of CSI: for good, because that last story arc was seriously retardo. “I kill people in ludicrously baroque ways because daddy wouldn’t let me be a doctor; luckily this other serial killer was able to deduce my identity because of a plate of weird pasta I served to him 20 years ago.” Umm, what??

*I am more obsessed than ever with Matthew Gray Gubler though, especially his website Gublerland. His photography is positively Lynchian:

WHAT IS THIS I DON’T EVEN

there’s a ‘hoarders’ marathon on A&E!

Oh my god, I have such a sick fascination with this show. And so many of the people on it are the most unlikable people ever to appear on television — the video above is Nadine, probably the apotheosis of every raspy-voiced, hairy-chinned screeching harpy who ever lived. She winds her (grown!) daughter up so much that she literally runs down a public street growling and hitting herself in the head. I mean I know it’s a form of mental illness and a better person would be more sympathetic; but most of my sympathy goes towards the family members the hoarders drag down into hell with them.

Hoarding has its own charming vocabulary:

  • Clothes lasagna: The process in which layers of dirty clothing accumulate and flatten under their own weight, the layers of which eventually start sticking together because of mildew and damp.
  • Sailcat: A household pet which has gone missing, only to turn up during the cleaning process, having gotten flattened when a pile of trash fell on it; then dessicated into something resembling a frisbee with a tail.
  • Goat paths: The narrow, winding passages through the tottering piles of hoarded items.

This morning I was thinking my bedroom is really messy, but it looks like a monk’s cell to me after a single episode of this show.

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