Shorter Phil Robertson

“I love* gay people like Jesus said to.”

*”Love” here meaning “Really hate, but I don’t have the guts to deal with the fallout that being honest would cause”.

Good ol’ Phil must have read a different version of the Bible than I have, because in the one I read Jesus said fuck-all about homosexuality. It must be the same version all the wingnuts read, in which God condemns abortion and personally endorses the US of A.

Bonus derp: He claimed “no black people were singing the blues” before the Civil Rights era made them git all uppity. He did not add “Except for the black people who invented that very musical genre as a response to being second-class citizens”, so I see he knows music history as well as he knows the Bible.

I kind of hate myself for even addressing this, because everything that comes out of his mouth is such an obvious ploy to dig the ratings of his show out of the crater and/or move copies of his (to use Wonkette’s phrasing) book-shaped object. I can see that, but I can’t resist pointing out how stupid and wrong his words are. The only conservative bobblehead whose low-hanging fruit I absolutely refuse to pick (anymore) is Ann Coulter’s. Her only purpose in life is to get people ginned up, and she doesn’t care whether they’re for her or agin’ her. She’ll take whatever you got, so she gets nothing from me.

It’s been a bad year for Louisiana-set “reality” shows; apparently “Son of Guns” has been cancelled due to the host’s now-adult daughter claiming he molested her as a child. This is a show that flew so far under my radar that I didn’t know it existed until I read about its cancellation on the Bayou Progressive’s Facebook page. I avoid these shows because they traffic in grotesque stereotypes about Louisiana and appropriation/misrepresentation of Cajun culture.

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“jesus receives oral”*

I will never get tired of posting this photo.

Not working means I am no longer sitting in front of a computer 8+ hours a day, so sometimes it takes an extra day or two for news to filter down to me via blogs and The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. (I hate CNN and these days I only watch MSNBC for reruns of To Catch a Predator. Man, I miss that show. HI THERE, WHY DON’T YOU HAVE A SEAT.)

So anyway, I only found out a couple of days ago that Oral Roberts had died. Good riddance. I’m sorry, did you expect me to indulge in the collective hand-wringing and fake sincerity that so many of my fellow liberals do? Not gonna happen.

“Oh, but we must be better than our enemies!” You know what, FUCK THAT. I’m already better than that piece of dirt and his evangelical ilk are. What yardstick do I use? How about the fact that, as much as I hate their beliefs, I would never suggest that they not be allowed to hold and express them. I would certainly never advocate that they be jailed or put to death for their “lifestyle”, and I would oppose any groups or individuals who did. I would also never pray for their deaths, but to be honest that’s only because a) I’m an atheist, and b) it’s tacky.

Conservatives have been trying to convince the rest of the world of three rather grotesque untruths recently, because they think we’re all as stupid as they (collectively) are. One is that they are some kind of persecuted minority in this country, while at the same time this is a “Christian Nation”. Another is that being opposed to the kind of gross bigotry that, say, keeps gay people from marrying each other anywhere in this country somehow makes us the bigots, because we don’t want laws to be passed on the basis of a handful of people thinking non-penis-in-vagina sex is icky, because one sentence in an old book tells them so. And the last is that “free speech” means they can get on their soapboxes and tell us we’re going to hell for thinking that all American citizens should have equal rights, and that we have to shut up and take it. Criticize what they say and somehow you’re agin’ free speech.

“Free speech” is not a blank check to say hateful bigoted things and be immune from criticism. The people who oppose the hateful bigoted things you say still get to make fun of you, or decide not to make you Miss Universe, or be happy when you die of natural causes and stop infecting the world with your particular brand of shittiness.

I hope Fred Phelps is next. Not because I really find him to be much of a threat — The Westboro Baptist Church is practically bankrupt; I think their sole source of income at this point is aggravating grief-stricken parents at the funerals they picket into shoving them, then suing them for penny-ante civil settlements. And Fred himself is so bugfuck crazy that he’s pushed himself right out of the mainstream evangelical spheres of influence. Even conservative politicians who privately agree with him won’t risk being tainted with his particular stench of lunacy by publicly supporting him, not if they have political aspirations higher than County Roadkill Clean-Up.

No, mainly I’m just curious to see who will picket his funeral. I used to say that I hope he lives a long time, because I like making fun of him. But you know, Shirley Phelps-Roper is waiting to fill his crazy shoes, and she’s just as insane (not to mention hideous-looking) as he is.

*via Daze.

carrie prejean to sue entire world

You're fired.

You're fired.

I’m honestly amazed this didn’t happen months ago: Carrie Prejean suing pageant officials for libel, public disclosure of private facts, religious discrimination, intentional infliction of emotional distress, and negligent infliction of emotional distress. Does this mean she has to give her boobs back?

Look, negligent infliction of emotional distress she could overlook; but do you really expect her to let intentional infliction of emotional distress slide?! “Infliction of emotional distress” is Lawyerese for “Waaaaah, my widdle feewings are huwt! Give me money.”

Poor dumb conservitards. They think “free speech” means they can go on the teevee and say stunningly moronic things (ie. “opposite marriage”), and no one gets to make fun of them for it, ever, or they have to pay them money, and maybe buy them a new rack. But keeping a huge minority second-class citizens because you think any kind of sex other than baby-making, penis-in-vagina sex is icky? Totally okay!

If Miss Prejean was really fired for her religious and political views, she would, of course, have a case. But she wasn’t. She was fired for blowing off her contractually obligated Miss California appearances to march in the Carrie Prejean Is A Bigger Martyr Than Jesus Parade. That’s like me not going to work in lieu of spending the day pelting the Mormon Tabernacle Choir with pies; then screaming about religious discrimination when I get canned. It’s not what I did with the time I didn’t go to work, it’s the fact that I didn’t go to work.

shorter* david klinghoffer

I bet David Klinghoffer is a HUGE Greco-Roman wrestling fan

I bet David Klinghoffer is a HUGE Greco-Roman wrestling fan

Women will suffer from gay marriage, because once men have a taste** of that sweet succulent manmeat, they can never go back to the pussy. Throbbing, pulsing, swollen ohhh *fapfapfap* OH GOD

For people who claim to be utterly repulsed by teh gheysecks, conservatives sure spend a lot of time obsessing over it. You know what repulses me? Cooked spinach. I spend about 0.0000000007 seconds a day thinking about it.

*”Shorter” concept stolen from Sadly, No!.

**In the mythical Eisenhower-era fantasy world these loons inhabit, no one fucks before getting a ring on their finger. Also lesbians do not exist, unless you count the drunken sorority sluts licking each other’s nipples for a free t-shirt on Girls Gone Wild.

will you go quietly, or would you prefer to be dragged kicking and screaming?

APTOPIX Obama

I am cracking up at the photos of this crazy woman being dragged kicking and screaming away from Air Force One yesterday. Does that make me a terrible person? Possibly. Do I care? I do not.

She later identified herself as Brenda Lee, a writer for the Georgia Informer in Macon, and said she is a “Roman Catholic priestess” who lives in Anaheim, Calif. She said she has White House press credentials.

Lee said later in a telephone interview with The Associated Press that she wanted to hand Obama a letter urging him “to take a stand for traditional marriage*.”

It’s true, traditions are so important! Like the RCC tradition** of never ordaining women. WTF lady, it’s okay for you to be an inconoclast, but no one else gets to be one?

*You mean like concubines? That’s pretty “traditional”. I have yet to get any kind of coherent answer from the homophobes about how same sex marriage*** is going to affect heterosexual marriage. Do they think they’re going to be forced to get gay married just because we allow actual gay people to be married??

**I know there was female clergy in the early days of the church. Hush up. But seeing as how it’s been expressly forbidden by the RCC for centuries now — for most of its existance, in fact — this nutbag doesn’t get to claim she’s being “traditional”.

***Yesterday someone asked me why I almost always use the term “same sex marriage” and not “gay marriage”. It’s because same sex marriage sounds like exactly what it is: A totally normal marriage where both parties just happen to be packing the same equipment between their legs. “Gay marriage” sounds like Republican code for some kind of popper-fueled gloryhole orgy.

Shown here doing the Hokey-Pokey.

Shown here doing the Hokey-Pokey.

this can no longer be ignored: let’s talk about prop H8

jesus had 2 dadsLook, here’s the thing: The court wasn’t being asked to decide of Prop 8 was cool, or even if making gay marriage illegal was right. If they were, they likely would have come to a different conclusion; after all, this is the same court that ruled last summer that the illegality of same-sex marriage was unconstitutional. Instead, they were only being asked to rule if Prop 8 was allowed by California’s state constitution. Their hands were tied, they literally could not have ruled any other way and not been unethical.

And most same-sex marriage supporters in the know were expecting the outcome, although of course it’s still a huge disappointment. But you know how you might gripe about your mom, but get shirty when your boyfriend does it? I can express disappointment in my state, while still getting my hide chapped by this “Tsk tsk, we expected more from a Varsity letterman California” attitude I’m seeing all over the place.

As much as it might comfort people who’ve never lived here to see the state as some kind of hippy-dippy, make love not war utopia, it’s simply not true. The entire state is not encapsulated in San Francisco + Los Angeles. (Hell, neither one of those cities are even the capital.) California is a huge state with one of the most diverse populations in the nation, and large swatches of it are as conservative as anywhere in the Midwest or Deep South. We also have a lot of immigration, and immigrants from many parts of the world (many areas of eastern and southern Asia, the Middle East, Central Asia, etc.) tend to be more conservative than your average Californian. In my lifetime, we’ve had more Republican governors than Democrats. The state gave birth to Ronald Reagan’s political career.

I’ll admit it: We fucked up when it came to Prop 8. We got complacent and didn’t think that a bunch of Mormon carpetbaggers could really influence what happened here. And that belief wasn’t totally unfounded, because until the last couple of weeks, Prop 8 was losing, and in the end it barely squeaked by. But still, we shouldn’t have taken that early lead for granted. We should have been doing everything we could have done to hold and widen that margin right up until the election.

But the rest of the country who supports same-sex marriage needs to stop wagging their finger at California and look to their own state. At least we had legal same-sex marriage for a few months, and have thousands of same-sex couples that are still legally married. That’s more than most of you can say. And the states like Iowa that recently allowed same-sex marriage need to take a lesson from us: You will surely have a Prop 8 of your own come this or next November. Don’t be complacent!

People who oppose same-sex marriage are simply wrong, the same way people who opposed desegregation were wrong. They will be defeated as surely as those people were. It won’t be fast or easy, but I have reason to hope that it will be within my lifetime.

In the meantime, let’s take comfort in the words of Phyllis Lyon, veteran LGBT activist and one half of one of the first same-sex marriages (with her partner of 50 years, Del Martin) in the state:

I’m optimistic about the future. Look at all the states that have now done this. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. They may not all last. But it’s going to be all right. It may not be while I’m alive, but eventually it will work out that if two people want to get married, they can get married and it won’t matter to whom. We went through this before with people of color. It will be OK.

It will be OK.

iowa?! get your shit together, california!

300px-iowasign Iowa Supreme Court unanimously upholds 2007 decision that marriage can not legally be restricted to heterosexual couples only.

Darn those fancypants coastal state libruls!… Wait, Iowa?!

The Iowa Supreme Court this morning upheld a Polk County judge’s 2007 ruling that marriage should not be limited to one man and one woman. The ruling, viewed nationally and at home as a victory for the gay rights movement and a setback for social conservatives, means Iowa’s 5,800 gay couples can legally marry in Iowa beginning April 24. There are no residency rules for marriage in Iowa, so the rule would apply to any couple who wanted to travel to Iowa.

Hellooooo, tourist buxx!

I can pretty much gaurantee they’ll have a proposed state constitution ammendment during their next election. Gay Iowans, and Iowans who aren’t douchebags, prepare yourselves! Organize! Don’t think your work is done beause of this decision! Believe me, I know whereof I speak. I wish I didn’t.

The ruling is viewed as a victory for the gay rights movement in Iowa and elsewhere, and a setback for social conservatives who wanted to protect traditional families.

Protect them from what, exactly? No one can ever actually answer this question. Do “social conservatives” (read: bigoted assholes) think same-sex marriage is going to be required?

The kinds of people who not only vote for measures like Prop H8, but actively campaign for them, always come across as weirdly invested in the idea that “the gay lifestyle” is one non-stop drug-fueled group sex orgy. They simply can’t wrap their heads around the fact that most gay people want the exact same things out of life as “normal” Americans: To get married, have some kids, and take them to Disneyland. I think they really do believe that same-sex legalization is all a trap to lure everyone into some kind of depraved debauchery. It would be amusing if it didn’t have such a negative aspect on other people’s lives and rights.

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