someone please inform faux news that “the onion” is not a real newspaper

This is why I would never wish for conservitards to disappear altogether. If you can’t be arsed to watch (but you really should), the above link is a clip from The Colbert Report, in which Stephen Colbert discusses a Fox & Friends report on the perils of catching herpes from playing beer pong. The only small problem with this ace reporting is that the original source of this startling news was a satirical website. Displaying their usual zeal for fact-checking, Faux News ran with it anyway.

They even managed to get commentary from a “doctor”, who I’m guessing went to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College, since she apparently believes that herpes, the flu, and mono could be spread this way. Because the ball bounced off the floor for a fraction of a second before landing in the cup. Umm, “doc”? Those illnesses are all viral. Viruses are passed person-to-person; they need a host to survive and don’t tend to hang out on surfaces. That’s why you can’t really catch herpes from a toilet seat, no matter how vehemently your college boyfriends may have protested otherwise. I don’t care how dirty the typical frat den floor is, unless someone with herpes literally fucked the ping-pong ball before bouncing it into the beer cup, there’s simply no way this is possible.

And to think, we all worried when Obama was elected that Stephen Colbert would run out of things to mock.

But anyway, back to my original point: I would never wish for conservatives to go away altogether. I just want them reduced to a powerless fringe group that’s been stripped of their last vestige of influence, so we can all point and laugh at them. They’re like the geeks biting heads off of chickens in an old-timey freak show, except you don’t have to feel guilty about gawking at them, because most of them chose to be that grotesquely stupid.

Look, when it comes to trying to be funny, liberals are better. We all know that. As I’ve pointed out many times, Ann Coulter really does think she’s being “funny” when she shrieks homophobic slurs at her political enemies or calls 9/11 widows slutz00rz. Because the poor things simply do not grok “humor”.

But one area where they definately excel is the “inadvertantly hilarious” type of humor. And I guarantee you, if conservitards ever go totally extinct, we’ll never again experience the joy of watching newscasters say things like “It’s all fun and games… until someone gets herpes” or holler “There’s bacteria on my ball!” with a totally straight face. And that would make me a sad panda.

sad-panda

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stitching, cheesy garlic biscuits, and monster flicks

joseph-and-the-coat-wip-1

Why did Joseph need that coat in the desert, anyway? That’s like women wearing fur coats in Las Vegas. Show-off.

I didn’t venture very far from home this weekend, even though I should have gone to Ritz and seen about getting my Diana negatives put on disc. It looked like rain, and I didn’t feel like getting soaked again. In fact as I was coming home from running errands it started to sprinkle.

I made these cheesy garlic biscuits, I got the recipe from a Plurk buddy. Supposedly they’re like those biscuits from Red Lobster that everyone loves, but I’ve eaten there exactly once in my life, and that was like 20 years ago, so I can’t vouch for that. They ARE really good, though. Totes easy:

  • Mix 2 cups Bisquick, 1 1/2 cups grated cheddar cheese, and 1/2 tsp. garlic powder. Stir in 2/3 cup milk. Drop by full tablespoons onto greased cookie sheet and bake at 350 degrees for 10 minutes.
  • While they’re baking, melt 2 tbsp. butter together with 2 tsp. oregano and 1 tsp. garlic salt. Brush tops of biscuits, then bake for another 5 minutes or until golden brown on top.

I couldn’t sleep last night, but I don’t think it was insomnia. I just wasn’t tired. I’ve actually been sleeping better lately, ironically since I stopped taking melatonin. I ran out and was too lazy to get more (since we set the clocks back I wasn’t eager to bike to the store in the dark). Last weekend I actually slept 12! hours on Friday night/Saturday morning. I haven’t done that in more than a year.

I wonder if my body is producing more melatonin in the absence of exogenous melatonin? Phil once told me this story about these Buddhist monks who ate a vegan diet, barely enough to stay alive, and they had crazy-high cholesterol, because their bodies overcompensated for the total lack of it in their diet. I think he read about it in a medical journal.

Anyway, so last night was the first time in a couple of weeks that I haven’t gotten a great night’s sleep. I stayed up watching that Korean monster movie, The Host. The monster flick is a sadly uderused genre nowadays. And most of the ones that are made suck, like that execrable Godzilla movie with Ferris Bueller and some chick no one’s seen since.

I detected some anti-American sentiment. Whatever, South Korea. Everyone else hates us, pile it on. The only reason we have a military presence in your country is because you asked for our help to defeat the commies. …of course, that was like 50 years ago. I guess the American military does tend to overstay its welcome.

The origin story was pretty dumb — Formeldahyde? Really?? — but really, who cares. Just bring on the giant, mutated, man-eating, fish-amphibian thing. That’s what I liked about Cloverfield: They didn’t even bother with an explanation. It just crawled out of the ocean and started fucking shit UP. I mean, there was all that online crap about Slurmo or whatever the hell it was called, but they didn’t bother wasting any screen time with it.

file this one in the “no duh” files

Fat people have no sense of humorUSA Today has an article about how weight discrimination could be as common as racial bias. This comes as a shock to abso-fucking-lutely no one who has ever been fat. Or who has eyes and a brain.

I would venture to say fat hatred is more common than racism. It’s mainstream and socially acceptable in a way that racism no longer is. Not that racism isn’t still alive and well, unfortunately. But you can still tell a joke about fat people without worrying overmuch that someone in the room will be offended. You can still yell “Lardass!” at someone who cuts you off in traffic without anyone getting too het up over it. Actors still put on fatsuits to get cheap laughs in movies and television. Blackface as a form of enetertainment has been dead for at least 50 years. (Tropic Thunder notwithstanding–it’s not a parody of black people, but a parody of douchebag actors who take themselves way too seriously.)

If you still doubt me, look no further than the actual article. The sidebars are all full of links about weight loss, personal trainers, low-cal foods: Fat people are lazy slobs who spend all day stuffing cupcakes into their craw! Fat discrimination is bad, but actually being fat is worse and if you don’t want to be called names, you should just lose some fucking weight, fatty.

Or look at the comments, but only if you don’t mind feeling stabby. People are actually comparing fat people to drug dealers and pedophiles. Look at those comments, substitute “black” or “Chinese” or “Albanian goat herders” for “fat”, and ask yourself: Would that be even remotely acceptable? Of course not, it would be hate speech.

repairing the damage, before roe

My body, my choice. NOT YOURS.There’s an essay in the New York Times by Waldo Fielding, M.D. that’s currently making the rounds of the pro-choice blogs. Dr. Fielding is a retired gynecologist who worked in large urban hospitals in the days before Roe v. Wade. He witnessed firsthand the kinds of horrific things that women do to themselves when they can’t obtain a safe, legal abortion.

The worst case I saw, and one I hope no one else will ever have to face, was that of a nurse who was admitted with what looked like a partly delivered umbilical cord. Yet as soon as we examined her, we realized that what we thought was the cord was in fact part of her intestine, which had been hooked and torn by whatever implement had been used in the abortion. It took six hours of surgery to remove the infected uterus and ovaries and repair the part of the bowel that was still functional.

*string of capital vowels and consonants indicating incoherent horror*

This is something that anti-choice people either conveniently forget, or lie outright about: The re-illegalization of abortion will do nothing to stop abortion. All it will do is remove the sterile environments and knowledgable doctors from the equation, leading to nightmare scenarios like that one.

The best way to stop abortion is comprehensive sexual education to young people; treating sexuality like the natural biological process that it is, instead of something dirty, shameful, and disgusting; and the widespread distribution and easy access of birth control. Funny how anti-choicers are so opposed to that, innit?

Oh wait, I didn’t mean to say “funny”. I meant to say “frustrating, counterproductive, and rage-inducing”.

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