amazing tales of found film

I found this awesome site the other day when I was researching vintage cameras. The owner often finds exposed film in the old cameras he buys (as I did in my Brownie Hawkeye), and he gets them developed and makes up (usually hilarious) stories to go with them. My favorite is probably the story he made up for the 3 shots he found in an Imperial Savoy, the camera I bought last week:

These idyllic photos of apple trees hide the passion and sin that was so common among apple growers in the early 1960’s. The next time you eat an apple, give pause to those that have stuggled under the weight of baskets of fruit. And those that tasted the forbidden fruit.

I won this camera in an eBay auction yesterday, but I’m not going to make excuses for it, because guess how much it set me back? $6.50. That’s less than I pay for like, a can of coffee. Apparently Imperial made about 17 bazillion of these cameras, and most of them are still kicking around, because the concept of “planned obsolescence” hadn’t been invented yet. They actually built shit to last back then.

LOL @ the eBay seller describing one of these as a “rare 1930s camera” and asking for $99. The only part of that statement that is accurate is the word “camera”. Research before you buy, people!

Oh and ALSO: I just discovered that people sell vintage cameras through Etsy. HALP. I thought that site was just people selling crap they knitted and whatnot. A lot of them aren’t in working order though, and being sold as “display pieces” only, so you have to read the item descriptions carefully.

this is why the internet was invented: PSAs from the 1980s

This PSA telling geeky weaklings how to deal with bullies (Come on, didn’t they have tasers back then?) appears to hail from the mystical era sandwiched between Reagan and Clinton, otherwise known as “Bush I”. (1990-early 1992 was still the ’80s as far as I’m concerned, I hadn’t graduated high school yet.)

It starts out making sense, if the advice “Don’t dress like you’re in a gang” really means “Don’t dress like a junior member of the Billionare Boys Club” (What, it was topical!). But the overall message seems to be “Nerds! Freak out and face-elbow anyone who approaches you!!” See, this is why you don’t have any friends. You didn’t even let that alleged bully get a word in edgewise before you resorted to slapping him in the groin and running away. Maybe he just wanted ask you where you got that radical slap bracelet or if you wanted to play pogs. OH GOD I’M OLD.

However, throwing candy in someone’s face is a totally normal reaction and will now be my default response to every situation.

if i inhabited the “his dark materials” multiverse, this kitten is the animal that would contain my soul

hate everything kitten

buzz aldrin punching some conspiracy d-bag in the face

Seems like a good time to post an old fave of mine, what with the 40th anniversary of Apollo 11:

“You’re a coward and a liar and a *POW*” Show some fucking respect, you friggin’ pantywaste.

porkchop sandwiches!

I have been watching this over and over again, and it keeps getting funnier. We’re talking laughing until tears come to my eyes and my face literally aches.

Apparently Fensler Films has a whole series of shorts mocking the stupid PSAs at the end of every GI Joe episode. Hasbro bullied them into removing them from their site, but most of them wound up on YouTube. I know what I’m going to be doing for the next couple of hours! These promise to be about 967,000 times more entertaining than the upcoming GI Joe movie.

when buffy met edward

This is hilarious, and really well done: Buffy the Vampire Slayer treats Edward Cullen’s stalkertastic bullshit with the contempt (and ultimate staking) it deserves.

I was initially on the fence about True Blood, because the Twilight fucktardery kind of put me off the whole human girl/vampire boy love. But the 3rd episode, “Mine”, won me over. Bill lays down his “SUCKY IS MAHN!” thing to his vampire buddies, and explains to Sookie that it means she’s like his own personal juicebox. And instead of being all *swoonswoonswoon* at the thought of being someone’s property, like dumbass Bella Swan would have been, Sookie’s like EWW WTF YOU MOST CERTAINLY CAN NOT DRINK FROM ME!!1!

Sing it, girl! EMBROIDER IT ON A PILLOW! (Also: Bill didn’t really mean it anyway, he was just trying to keep meanypants vampires from drinking her blood. Bill Compton is a gentleman vampire, y’all.)

Incidentally, I ordered the first Charlaine Harris novel, Dead Until Dark, from Amazon yesterday. No one in the Sookieverse would ever unironically say *intense!*”You’re my own personal brand of heroin”, and I love it for that.

bill and sam

yo dawg, i heard you like iguanas: nic cage is bringing crazy back

We were all skeptical when we heard about Werner Herzog’s sort-of/not-really “remake” of the legendary flick Bad Lieutenant, starring Harvey Keitel’s weiner. Especially when the full title was revealed to be Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans. Is there like, some puncuation missing in that title? It doesn’t even make sense.

But earlier this week they released a trailer, and ohmygod. It looks so pants-shittingly crazy that if this turns out to be a hoax I won’t be surprised, but I will be disappointed. (And it’s clearly not for theatrical release, because there are F-bombs and hooker buns.) It’s like Sailor Ripley, after 20 years of drinking as heavily as Ben Sanderson, completely blew out his prefrontal cortex and decided to become a cop:

Jesus jumped-up Christ, where to even start? Iguanas on my coffee table! The bizarre accent that comes and goes*! You’re high on dope! Lucky crackpipe! I will stab you in the heart! Shoot him again, his soul’s still dancing!

Mind you, it still looks terrible. But it looks amusingly terrible; unlike Cage’s approximately 624 other scheduled 2009 releases, which just look regularly terrible. Also: Val Kilmer, for whom I have renewed respect after watching Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.

However, I’m calling shenanigans if Cage doesn’t flash his peen. Or at least scream racial epithets and shoot his radio whilst sobbing hysterically.

*Seriously Hollywood, do some basic fucking research: Most New Orleans natives DO NOT have typical southern drawls. They sound like Noo Yawkers, because the city has the same linguistic contributors as NYC (Germans, Italians, Latinos and Hispanics, etc.).

p.s. I totes stole the first half of the title from Natasha at PSI, because it made me pee a little.

and now, pretty much the greatest animated .gif ever made

I’ve been cracking up at this since I saw it yesterday afternoon in the comments at Videogum. The maniacally happy face is what pushes it over the edge from mere lulz to laughing-until-you-literally-cry territory. KILL ALL HUMANS WHEEEEE


Happy Friday!

wait, the snakes were fighting monkeys? i must have gone for popcorn during that part.

Snakes on a Plane made its teevee debut last weekend. Gee, I wonder how they made the most infamous line in the movie network-friendly?

*spit take*

I don’t think this is a ham-handed network dub. It’s too seamless, and that’s clearly SLJ’s voice. Nowadays, a lot of movies will film a profanity-free alternate version at the same time or shortly after the principle filming. (Ironically, its main purpose is so it can be used as an inflight movie. I don’t know what kind of sadistic airline would show SoaP to its passengers, though.) As long as the consonants and syllable count are close enough to match the lip movements (thus “motherfuckin'” becomes “monkey-fightin'”), the producers usually don’t care what words are used. And there’s a tradition of using the most insane gibberish that the actors can get away with. There’s an extra on the Shaun of the Dead DVD about it.

So I would bet you money that SLJ purposely chose to yell the most bizarre combination of M-F adjectives he could think of. I wonder how many takes it took before he could do it with a straight face?

“monkeys don’t live for millions of years!”

I’ve been seeing this floating around the internets all week, but only now got around to watching it. It’s a slice of fried gold.

Where can I register my complaint that I, an atheist, was never issued the black robe and hood that is apparently standard crucifying-Christians-after-watching-gay-men-have-sex wear for all atheists?

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