shorter* ny daily news

LOL, bitches be shopping.

Last week, The NY Daily News ran one of those finger-wagging pieces about how all women are flighty ninnies who spend an average of three years of their lives shopping. Even though women are expected to be flawlessly put-together in our society, lest they be taken for scruffy, unkempt lesbians**, we still get to mock them for making the effort!

However, those three years are not spent desperately searching for the perfect pair of Manolos, although this is conveniently buried in the very last paragraph:

It isn’t just hunting for accessories or clothing that sucks so much time – each year, women spend nearly 95 hours shopping for groceries, the study showed.

WOW. So not only do you get to make fun of women for engaging in a behavior in which they are subtly and not-so-subtly encouraged/forced by societal expectations to engage in, you get to pad your numbers by including something as basic as shopping for food to put on the table. A chore which, in 99 cases out of a 100***, defaults onto the female half of the couple even when both parties are working full-time jobs.

They even include window shopping, which is copious amounts of bullshit. I deserve to be made fun of for looking in the window of a store at a dress while I’m walking into the bookstore next door? Where I went to buy a book that will help me decide if a certain religion is right for me, an entirely respectable notion in our society. God, FUCK YOU, NY Daily News. (I need a religion where I can still invite news organizations to copulate with themselves.) Although I suppose even buying that book would be worthy of derision, since all shopping is equally frivolous — so long as it’s being done by women.

Not to mention, with the invention of/widespread access to the internet, I’m guessing EVERYONE, of any gender, in a developed nation spends at least an hour a day idly looking at and researching things they might like to one day own. Or even daydreaming about things they probably never have a chance of owning. Hell, sometimes I like to “shop” for private islands and castles. No, really!

I would be willing to bet the rest of my unemployment claim that TNYDW also included shopping for new couches, cleaning products, clothes for the children, vacation plans, and basically everything that involves money being exchanged for goods and services. Except for cars, BBQ grills, and electronics, which are the only things society allows men to shop for without making them feel in danger of their penises withering away.

*”Shorter” format stolen from Sadly, No!.

**Please don’t leave me angry comments about how I’m an OMGHOMOPHOBE. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being a lesbian, or that all lesbians look like lumberjacks. I’m saying that the patriarchy we live in tends to group women into categories of nice-looking girls (marry), heavily made-up sluts (fuck), and yucky dykes (kill).

***I don’t want to hear any NotMyNigeling, please. I’m glad you are able to ignore societal expectations and maintain a perfectly equal relationship. Most people aren’t.

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as might be expected of a make-believe science, “manthropology” does not rely on sissy facts

Dr. Temperance Brennan does not approve of your poor grasp of anthropolgy.

Dr. Temperance Brennan does not approve of your poor grasp of anthropolgy.

First it was evolutionary psychology, with its claims that women are genetically programmed to love pink and subversience to jerks. Since that’s been punched full of holes, the next wave of Science For Douchebags looks to be “Manthropology”.

So does it scientifically prove beyond a doubt that women are inferior, thus soothing the tiny, permanently bruised egos of Nice Guys™ everywhere? Sadly, no. In fact, I’m pretty sure Peter McAllister got his anthropology degree by sending $100 to an address he found scrawled on a truck stop urinal.

Our ancestors were apparently also better at beatdowns. Neanderthal women, says McAllister, had 10% more muscle mass than modern European men, and a Neanderthal woman could have beaten Arnold Schwarzenegger at arm wrestling (though her shorter forearm length sort of sounds like cheating).

My sole education in anthrolopolgy is from reading The Golden Bough while high, but even I can spot the glaring error here: Neanderthal is not modern Homo Sapiens’ ancestor. In other words, we did not evolve from them. They were a parallel branch that withered away because evolution selected brains (that would be us) over brawn.

Manthropology claims it’s (sort of) a joke; but as with jokes like “What’s the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman’s mouth? Einstein’s dick!”, there is a not very concealed bedrock of ugly misogyny holding it up.

days that end in y: elizabeth wurtzel opens mouth, stupidity falls out

Virtually all memory of the brilliance of the young <S>Tenenbaums</S> Elizabeth Wurtzel was subsequently erased by two decades of betrayal, failure, and disaster.

Virtually all memory of the brilliance of the young Tenenbaums Elizabeth Wurtzel was subsequently erased by two decades of betrayal, failure, and disaster.

Waxing is a deeply personal grooming decision, with extremes of opinion on both sides: It infantilizes women and makes them pay with money and pain for the privilege of adhering to an arbitrary standard of beauty! Umm… sorry, I guess I really got nothing on the “pro” side. So you can probably tell where I stand on the issue. I mean, I keep it neat, but I’m not going to rip it out by the roots. But I don’t argue with women who are pro-waxing, because arguing over pubic hair trends seems kind of silly. Besides, we all know the biggest obstacle to a matriarchal utopia is nipple tint.

So how can we dumb up the issue even more? I know, let’s ask Elizabeth Wurtzel her opinion! To sum up: Hair is “icky” (Why? Just cuz!); you’re not a “real” woman unless you fritter away precious time and money on the admittedly grim drudgery of pointless beauty routines and waste your sanity attempting to reach an unreachable ideal of beauty; men have always* and will always** like bald beavers, and we should always do whatever men want, apparently!

Why are still caring what Elizabeth Wurtzel has to say about anything? It’s been 15 years since Prozac Nation and the only thing of note she’s done since is fail the bar exam like a dozen times. Although that hasn’t stopped her from calling herself a lawyer. She’s even worse at passing it than she is at committing suicide!

*You sure about that, Lizzie?

**If Elizabeth Wurtzel has access to a time machine, why hasn’t she killed Hitler yet??

Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.

feministWhat makes me sadder than book reviews of feminist works by obviously anti-feminist needledicks? Negative, seemingly purposefully ignorant reviews of such works by women who claim to be feminists. Usually when it will add another zero to their paycheck.

First, we have Elizabeth Wurtzel’s review of Rachel Simmon’s The Curse of the Good Girl. Just to let us know right off the bat what kind of head-splodingly crass and ignorant drivel we’re in for, she starts review off with a disgustingly classist/racist old wheeze: that academic standards have fallen ever since the fancy schools started allowing colored folk, Jews, and vagina-Americans to sully their ivy-covered halls. No, really, she actually says that:

Ever since the fancy schools started recruiting in the shtetl and the hood, elitism as a coherent narrative has declined to meaninglessness.

She also totally misses the point of the entire book, but that’s understandable. She was probably coked up and snorting crushed Ritalin off a hooker’s tits when she wrote this review, like she was when she wrote Bitch: In Praise of Difficult Women. Which is most memorable nowadays for claiming Hillary Clinton is an irrelevant non-entity. You may remember her as the First Lady who became a New York senator, was thisclose to becoming the nations’s first female president, then was appointed Secretary of State. Yeah, nothing to see here, move along.

Then we have Charlotte Hays writing a sneering op-ed in The Wall Street Journal, claiming that feminists have our knives out for Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, because she got married. Because Eat, Pray, Love is some kind feminist manifesto. (Hint: Sarcasm! It is not. It’s the story of a self-absorbed wealthy white female Baby Boomer who “finds herself” while globetrotting in exotic locales. I found myself once, I was behind the ‘fridge the whole time.) And feminists are agin’ marriage. Which is silly, because secretly we all want a man to protect us from the scary world. Also, lesbians are a myth, like unicorns.

I’m sort of aghast that Mz. Hays sincerely seems to believe that feminists are keeping close tabs on Gilbert’s personal life and feeling personally betrayed by her relationship choices. I can’t speak for all feminists, but this woman barely registers on my own radar. I actually plan my own emotional responses around whether or not Lady GaGa is a hermaphrodite.

shorter* concerned women for america**

clutch-the-pearlsSPORTS WILL TURN YOUR DAUGHTERS INTO LESBIANS, OOGA BOOGA!

Seriously, CWFA? That’s right up there with “Negroes are afraid of water” for ludicrously outdated, bigoted old chestnuts that not even Imperial Grand Wizards of the KKK or Katie Roiphe believe any more.

*”Shorter” format stolen from Sadly, No!

**Or as I fondly refer to them: Pearl-Clutching Old Biddies for America.

shorter* katie roiphe

Yup, that's totally adorbs.

Yup, that's totally adorbs.

Why can’t feminists just admit that babies are cute?

Did you know that writing a classic of American literature pales in comparison to procreating multiple times? Something that basically all life forms do, millions of times every day, all over the world, is not as important as The House of Mirth. It must be true, because Katie “date rape doesn’t exist” Roiphe said so. Suck it, Edith Wharton!

*”Shorter” format stolen from Sadly, No!.

shorter* nice guys

friends

Women exist soley to pleasure men, and they’re all culpable whenever some asshole can’t get laid!

*”Shorter” format stolen from Sadly, No!

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