so i guess we should talk about roman polanski

Wow, that was weird timing. Anyway, here’s Kate Harding, saying it succintly: Reminder: Roman Polanski raped a child.

Roman Polanski survived the Holocaust by hiding in the Kracow ghetto. His pregnant wife was murdered by insane cultists. He has made some awesome movies. None of this excuses child rape, I’m sorry. Look, no one’s telling you that you can never watch Chinatown again. It’s okay. Watch it as many times as you want. But Roman Polanski still raped a child.

It doesn’t matter that her mother was a pushy showbiz mother, or that she looked older than 13, or that he didn’t beat her senseless — we have this stupid notion that unless a woman had a knife held to her throat or was knocked unconscious or tied up, she wasn’t “really” raped. If you say no, but then submit because you fear further harm — like being beaten or drugged or tied up — it is still rape. It doesn’t even matter that the victim doesn’t want him prosecuted. The DA doesn’t represent her here, it represents the people. If you tell me that they should go after all child rapists with as much undimmed zeal, I certainly would not disagree. But because other child rapists may have gone unpunished, Polanski is not off the hook for raping a child.

I had this conversation with my mother the last time I was in Louisiana. She pulled the “Well, she looked older than 13” line. My mother is not a bad person, nor is she in the habit of apologizing for child rapists. (I also trust she doesn’t think it’s okay to drug and sodomize a woman of any age after she’s cried and said no and begged to be taken home; I don’t think Mom was privy to the icky details of the rape.) She’s just very idealistic, and prefers to see people as all good or all bad. It pains her that the same person who directed Repulsion also raped a child, and she would rather not deal with it.

We had a similar conversation about Benazir Bhutto when she was assassinated. She said something about her being pretty, and I was like “Yeah, I would look good too if I’d embezzled that much money“, which upset her. The fact the Bhutto and her husband may have embezzled money doesn’t change the fact that she fought with her very life for human rights in her country. But Mom can’t accept that even heroes are real people who do both good and bad things, ipso facto: The charges against Bhutto were false. It must have something to do with having been alive in the 1960s.

It’s foolish to judge art on what kind of people the artists were. Because let’s face it: a great many artists were/are terrible people. So go ahead and leave Rosemary’s Baby in your Netflix queue. It’s okay. But don’t tell me that Roman Polanski doesn’t deserve to be punished for raping a child, because he does.

p.s. Polanski could still give a valuable lesson on how to put directorial cameos in your movies to M. Night Shyamalamadingdong.

lindsay lohan celebrated her birthday last weekend

And judging from a photo taken during the festivities, I’m judging her age around 47:

lindsay lohan bday 280609

And a pretty hard 47 at that. Like, "47-year-old cocktail waitress at seedy North Vegas lounge".

Wait, apparently she’s only 23? 2 pieces of advice, La Lohan:

  1. Sunscreen.
  2. Stop using the “Weary Old Whore” line of Wet N’ Wild. Or at least wear about a pound less than you are in this photo.

I shouldn’t be too hard on her. Everyone knows the camera adds 40 miles of bad road! (The camera does not do this.)

This requires a Mean Girls palate cleanser.

It’s also a good idea to watch this every time Lizzy Caplan shows her boobs in season one of True Blood. Or has a particularly graphic/disturbing sex scene. Or says something is “authentic”. Or does V. Or stakes Stephen Root. Particularly that last one.

wow, who would have thought that miley cyrus was an ignorant redneck?


Dear Generation Y:

Racism is not cute. It is not funny. It is not a socially acceptable way to get attention or blog traffic. And even if you aren’t thinking “Bring back the Asiatic Barred Zone Act!” while you’re engaging in it, it is, in fact, still racist. Yes, even if the single Asian person with you, who surprisingly does not represent the billions of Asian people in the world, is inexplicably not offended.

We are not living in a post-racial utopia, just because we elected a black president. (And anyway this execrable behavior from you clearly predates the previous November.) Bigotry is still very much alive in the world. If you doubt me, I invite you to spend 10 minutes in the small, rural Louisiana town half my family lives in. Where, if you’re white, near strangers will feel comfortable ranting about Obama and fried chicken and painting the White House black to you. Because they assume, on the basis of your shared skin color, that you also share their views. Because it’s that common.

In short, please try to rub 2 brain cells together and figure out why crap like the above is not acceptable.


Generation X, who is sick of explaining simple concepts to your stupid ass.

never get attached to a phoenix sibling’s career, they’ll just break your heart one way or another

joaquin phoenix bye good To quote RDJ in Zodiac: This can no longer be ignored. “This” being Joaquin Phoenix’s decision to retire from acting, first to be in a rock band, then — presumably when he remembered that he isn’t actually Johnny Cash — as a rapper under the tutelage of Diddy.

His debut was in Las Vegas earlier this week, and it was about as awful as one might imagine it to be. (Also, he fell.) As Best Week Ever’s Dan Hopper put it:

This clip is a quarter notch above Phoenix yelling “My name is Joaquin and I’m here to say, I love to rap in a major way!” while someone chants “Go Joaquin, it’s your birthday” and he breaks into an impromptu running man.

So what’s the explanation for this seeming career suicide? The result of being reared in a cult? Did that frog finally eat his brain?

The fact that brother-in-law and brofriend Casey Affleck is filming this trainwreck for a “documentary” makes me wonder if this isn’t some elaborate, Andy Kaufman-esque performance art/practical joke piece that will culminate in Phoenix challenging Kirstie Alley to a wrestling match. The only problem with that theory is that Joaquin Phoenix just doesn’t seem bright enough to have thought of this on his own. For fuck’s sake, the man can’t even spell his own name! This is your brain on too many ‘shrooms, kids.

Research into this insanity has uncovered the fact that the last movie he filmed before seemingly going bugfuck crazy involved him having to watch insufferable bitch Gwyneth Paltrow bare and stroke her breast. I don’t think this is a coincidence. I mean okay, on paper she’s not unattractive (thin, white, blonde: check); but she’s so uptight, and fuller of herself than a set of Russian nesting dolls. It would be like watching Martha Stewart pleasure herself — although ever since she went to the slammer and started hanging out with Snoop Dogg, even she’s got some cred.

But Gwynnie, with her precious newsletter (blogging’s too plebian for the likes of Ms. Paltrow!) full of anecdotes about her personal trainer and recipes for spelt flour biscuits and “economical” gift suggestions of $2000 Hermès watches? I think it’s obvious what’s going on here: the effort needed to feign arousal at the sight of Gwyneth’s WASP-y bewbs led to Joaquin’s complete mental breakdown.

sounds like someone’s found xenu!

Because this is the face of sanity.

Because this is the face of sanity.

Jim Carrey was on Larry King Live earlier this week, and while there was no couch-jumping or trotting out of dazed-looking hostages fiancés, he did engage in some suspicious-sounding pyscho-blather. Included was the amazing statement that “getting hit with a brick in the face” is “the best thing that could ever happen to you” because “that’s how the universe works”.

He also slagged Prozac and other anti-depressant meds because they “make everything okay” and the people on them “don’t deal”. He then extolled the virtues of vitamins and “supplements” and claimed to be writing about them. Did he go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College, too?!

If whatever magical happy pills Jim Carrey is taking has kept him from constantly being turned up to 11, well, hoo-fucking-ray for him. But Prozac and other actual medicines have saved countless lives, and someone who makes a living getting paid $20 million to flail around like a brain-damaged monkey has no business telling other people they don’t work.

And if he has found Xenu, Carrey should ask him to bring him some better scripts. As opposed to stale retreads of his more mediocre films.

“secret” grocery store receipts shocker: marilyn monroe probably enjoyed eating!

Is the frenzy over Marilyn Monroe-bilia ever going to go the fuck away? It’s like some gross dry-humping form of necrophilia at this point. Pretty much all the big stuff has been re-hashed over and over, so you have all these freaks getting whipped into a frenzy over every remaining crumb of information and acting like it fucking means anything.

This week it’s the discovery of a couple of grocery store receipts from shortly before her death. Included on the list were:

  • Artichokes
  • Eggs
  • English muffins
  • Cucumbers
  • Radishes
  • Strawberry jam
  • Cheddar cheese
  • Corn-on-the-cob
  • Endives
  • Strawberries
  • Steak
  • Milk
  • Lamb chops
  • Chicken

In other words, pretty much what any well-to-do white person in 1960s America would have been stocking up on. Gasp!

Also, the “nutrition expert” that said

The deliveries show a diet of salads, fruit and meat, indicating plenty of protein, which is good. But she obviously allowed a few treats for herself, such as the English muffins and jam.

needs to be force-fed pork cracklins slathered in fudge, if they really believe English muffins and strawberry jam are “treats”. I call that “breakfast” or even “tea time”, and I suspect I’m hardly unique.

campari: mixes great with body image issues!


You probably thought Jessica Alba was hot, right? Wrong! She’s a fucking dog! At least according to Campari, who paid her to pose for an ad… then whittled away her waist, hips, and thighs; darkened her tan; pumped up her boobs; changed the direction of her eyes; erased her Mona Lisa smile and plastered a come-hither snarl onto her face; and made her hair more wind-blown. Stupid unsexy stationary hair!

Why do actresses allow their images to be Photoshopped into something resembling plastic sexdolls to hock booze and cheap drugstore make-up? Is the money really that good? Granted, Alba probably doesn’t have tons of personal dignity, judging by the awful movies on her CV (including The Love Guru, one of the most universally reviled crapfests of the decade). But even respected actresses — even respected actors! — are routinely given the Photoshop of Horrors treatment.

They should follow Kate Winslet’s admirable example: After a hack job for Vanity Fair that left her virtually unrecognizable, she only agreed to be the face of Lancôme’s Trésor perfume if they promised not to airbrush her. Of course, Kate Winslet can probably command that kind of obedience, because she’s Kate friggin’ Winslet. If Jessica Alba tried it, Campari would probably just throw her out on her ass, and get some other freakishly puffy-lipped flavor-of-the-year to whore herself out.

If actors really need the extra buxxx that badly, they should go the slightly less humiliating route of making bizarre Japanese commercials.

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