mourning is for pussies!

It’s not horrible enough that gun nuts immediately–like, IMMEDIATELY–starting blaming the victims of the Dark Knight shooting for getting themselves shot because they weren’t patriotic enough to pack heat 24-7. Apparently spraying bullets into a panicked crowd running around in a dark room at an assailant wearing a bulletproof vest would have saved lives, WHO KNEW.

But now I’m seeing this conspiracy theory that the shooter was trained and given his orders by Obama so he would have an excuse to steal ALL the guns. Yeah, no. Maybe it would make more sense if I had a tinfoil hat on?

I honestly didn’t get where all this rancid OBAMA IS COMIN’ FER YER GUNZS OOGA BOOGA paranoia is coming from. I mean, I’ve never heard him–or any other president elected in my living memory–lean heavily on a gun control platform. Obama isn’t some free love, acid-dropping peacenik. Like everyone else to occupy the White House since Carter, regardless of party, he’s well to the right of the center.

Luckily a Facebook friend of a Facebook friend, who is apparently some kind of LOLbertarian (he claimed with, as far as I could tell, the internet being a non-visual medium, a straight face that politicians are “constantly attacking our 2nd Amendment rights”) cleared it up for me: it’s entirely based on half a sentence spoken 4 years ago before Obama was even the party nominee, taken out of context. Namely, the infamous statement “They get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy toward people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.” Except in their minds, it stops at “guns” and concludes “…and I’ll break their grip if I have to break every one of their fingers”.

This is epically stupid on many levels, not the least of which is that this line had nothing to do with gun control or an assault weapons ban. Obama was pointing out the many ways that people who have been fucked by conservative policy get manipulated into voting against their own interests, and one of those ways is by making them think HEY THE OTHER GUY IS GOING TO TAKE YOUR PRECIOUS GUNS AWAY.

So thanks, dumbass. You just totally proved his point.

For a socialist god-hating pinko, gun control is actually pretty far down on my list. Much like the Seinfeld episode where Elaine is asked if she’s still anti-fur, my attitude is “Eh… who has the energy?” For whatever perverse reason, Americans are obsessed with guns, and I’d rather pick battles that can be won. At this point, I’d settle for closing the loopholes that allow teenagers, convicted felons, and the mentally ill to obtain them.

That being said, anyone insisting on their right to own assault weapons is always going to get the side-eye from me. Why not tanks and nerve gas, too?

The 2nd Amendment is a fossil from the Revolutionary era. Nowadays we have armed forces and police. Knowing a bunch of untrained morons are running around armed to the teeth doesn’t make me feel safer from, say, drug cartels. It makes me afraid of getting mowed down in the crossfire. (See: paragraph one.) Haven’t you ever seen a Tarantino movie? Whenever there’s more than 2 armed groups, everyone dies!

And as for the argument that we need assault weapons in case we have to overthrow the gubmint: I’m real sorry to bust your bubble Cletus, but you and Joe Bob and a few of your buddies aren’t going to be able to do shit against a military with nukes. If you hate the government that much, your best bet is moving to Somalia. They don’t have ANY government! HILLBILLY PARADISE!


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