southerners aren’t the only people who act like this, but we do seem to excel at it

My mother is about to stir some major league shit in the family. It gets pretty thorny, so try to keep up:

My maternal grandmother’s family owns quite a bit of land around Henry. It was originally all owned by my great-grandfather and now belongs to his children (only of whom my grandmother still survives) and grandchildren. It’s controlled equally by my grandmother’s children (my mother and her siblings), the children of 2 of her brothers, and the widow of another brother (great-uncle Nat) who didn’t have any kids. She lives in Lake Charles and prefers not to get involved in shit like what’s about to go down; more sympathetic I could not be.

My grandmother had 4 kids and my mother, as the only one actually resident in Louisiana, acts for all of them and my grandmother–she’s my grandmother’s executor.
My great-uncle Keifer only had one son who died of pancreatic cancer years ago; his widow Carol acts for their 2 sons. He also had a daughter but she’s been largely absent from the family for years.

My great-uncle TB had 4 kids, one of whom died a few years ago. His son, my cousin (well, second cousin once removed) Maury, acts for his siblings. The other 3–Madeleine, Sammy, and Val–generally leave everything up to Sammy. Sammy is an asshole of epic proportions; and I wouldn’t piss on his wife, Janelle, if the bitch was one fire. My mother caught her basically looting the rubble of my grandparent’s house after Hurricane Rita. Mom and Madeleine used to be close, even though Madeleine is an ignorant racist shithead; but a few months ago they had a falling out because Madeleine kept stealing the figs and pecans that grow on my grandmother’s property. Val worships Glenn Beck and is constantly pining for the good old days when certain folk weren’t allowed on golf courses.

They’re a bunch of worthless cunts, is what I’m saying.

Apparently Sammy and Janelle’s son Bart, who is a state trooper, has been leaving his crab traps at the fishing camp 24-7, so no one else can fish there. He also told the people that my grandmother gave permission to raise crawfish to (they farmed some of the land for years but lost all their equipment in the hurricane) that they had to pay him. And only him. And we’re pretty sure he’s having all his state trooper buddies out to the camp and charging them money, which he is not not sharing with the family.

So Mom and Maury and Carol are going to get together and like, read the village charter and run Bart out on a rail? I don’t even know. But it’s gonna be some kind of epic hick showdown, that’s for sure. I’m kind of looking forward to it. Mom has been on the phone all evening, plotting her takeover of the family estate.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Rian G.
    Jun 05, 2011 @ 20:04:32

    Laughing uproariously while rubbing my hands together… hehehe…

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