the best part of ‘the last exorcism’ was the preview for the guillermo del toro remake of ‘don’t be afraid of the dark’

SPOILER ALERTS, although I doubt anyone gives a shit: The Last Exorcism was lamesauce, obviously. Actually, it was a semi-decent, if by-the-book and unamazing, possession horror movie; until the last 10 minutes, when it turned into a circa 1986 Dokken video. The “twist” was some Reagan-era claptrap about Satanic cults, right down to demonic fetuses and some dude wearing a hooded red robe. All it was missing was someone playing a Judas Priest record backwards. People in the theater were actually laughing and throwing popcorn at the screen.

The thing that annoyed me the most was that it was one of those “found footage” movies, like The Blair Witch Project or Cloverfield, so it was all motion sickness-inducing handheld shakycam… yet it had a soundtrack. Umm, what?

The main reason we went to see it was that it took place and was filmed in Louisiana. (Although not a single character had even the ghost of any kind of an accent.) People cheered when “Baton Rouge, LA” appeared on the screen at the beginning. But early on the film makers let it be known how much they think of the state: there’s this scene where they’re driving out to the isolated dirt farm where the allegedly possessed girl lives, and there’s an alligator by the side of the road. And the con man/exorcist pauses the car, looks right into the camera, and smirks.

Clearly the film makers intend the presence of alligators to be visual shorthand for what an ass-backwards state full of ignorant crackers Louisiana is. You know what, FUCK YOU. Yes, we have alligators here. They were here first. That doesn’t mean we’re all a bunch of cousin-fucking toothless banjo players.

I make cracks about this state all the time; but the difference is that I chose to make it my home, my family’s history goes back here for literally hundreds of years, and I actually love it. Seeing a bunch of plastic Hollywood snobs treat it like a punchline in and of itself makes me wish they’d all get devoured by hungry alligators.

Besides, them’s good eatin’.


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