turn-ons include: cheap and/or old cameras, leisurely bicycle rides, fantasies of the hosts of “fox & friends” being crushed with a giant steel-plated copy of “the communist manifesto”

Last night I rewarded myself for getting through the first week of my new job by swinging through Cajun Blenders, the local daiquiri drive-thru. For those unfamiliar with southern Louisiana, a “daiquiri drive-thru” is exactly what it sounds like. They don’t list the sizes on the menu, so I just ordered a “large” strawberry daiquiri.

I started to suspect this might be a mistake when I was charged nearly $10. The little old lady running the window handed down a veritable styrofoam bucket holding easily enough frozen, boozy deliciousness for 2 or 3 people. It was so big I couldn’t fit it in my car’s cup holder. It took me all night to drink it; I kept pouring a little into a glass and putting it back into the freezer.

Also, they neglected to put tape over the lid’s straw hole. THIS IS A SHOCKING VIOLATION OF LOUISIANA’S ALMOST NONEXISTENT OPEN CONTAINER LAWS.

Now that I’m employed, I’m thinking the next step is to find some kind of activity where I can meet people who I might have things in common with. I had a tentative plan to sit in on Quaker worship (and that isn’t defunct, just back-burnered; I’m still doing some reading about Quakerism), but that was when I thought there was a group in Lafayette. New Orleans looks like the closest group, and that’s nearly a 3 hour drive.

Another idea I had was maybe volunteering at an animal shelter. Like maybe just one weekend day. I know about 95% of volunteer shelter jobs is picking up poop, but we always had dogs when I was growing up, and the ‘rents believed in making kids work for food and shelter. Poop don’t cross my eyes none. I was the youngest kid and the last one left at home, so for the last several years it was pretty much just me on Poop Patrol.

I’ve even thought of putting an ad on Craigslist, but of course I’d probably only get replies from creepers wanting to show me their sad, tiny genitalia, because it’s Craigslist and that’s just what happens. I’m not looking for romance, just companionship, so I don’t think OK Stupid Cupid is an appropriate forum. What kind of a name is that, anyway? “It’s not a GREAT place to meet people… it’s okay.”

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