south carolina, you so crazy

I had innapropriate physical relations with Mrs. Haley in her VAGINA and it was FABULOUS.

The race to replace Governor Mark “Appalachian Trail” Sanford — most recently noted for going AWOL last year in order to jet off (at taxpayer’s expense) to South America to spend some quality time with his special lady friend — is turning out to be a real barn burner.

First you have a State Senator calling Nikki Haley, who is of Indian ancestry, a “raghead”. Most people’s main problem with this is that it was the wrong racial slur, “raghead” being traditionally applied to Arabs. More intelligent people’s problem with it is that racial slurs, applied correctly or not, are ignorant and disgusting and have no place in rational discourse. Whatever, it’s a “post-racial America” now! Moving on!

The only logical next step is for dudes to start crawling out of the woodwork and claiming to have had an affair with Nikki Haley, because for some reason sex becomes the business of anyone other than the adults involved when your name appears on a ballot. The most notable accuser so far is a lobbyist named Larry Marchant. And by “notable” I mean “laughably improbable”. You can watch a short video of him here. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

You see what’s wrong with this picture, right? I mean, I don’t want to be indelicate, and I know men from South Carolina sometimes seem more… dapper than the national standard, what with the white suits and hats and accent and all. But if this man had sex with any woman recently, he was on Ecstasy and amyl nitrate poppers and Viagra, and thinking real hard about Truman Capote. He can’t even bring himself to say the word “sex” until halfway through.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. victoria evans
    Jun 09, 2010 @ 16:04:37

    What’s with the weird orange face? he looks like an oompa loompa. Frankly, who would want to go near him?? eew.

  2. pinstripebindi
    Jun 09, 2010 @ 16:15:36

    Self-tanner, would be my guess. No one wants to actually tan anymore, but being pale is still unfashionable. Luckily I don’t give a fart in a hurricane over fashion.

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