the most idiotic night of television

Did you know that SciFi — excuse me, SyFy — Channel advertises Saturday night as “the most dangerous night of television”? To quote Inigo Montoya: “I don’t think that word means what you think it means”. Still, when it’s a Saturday night where you have no plans; no real desire to leave your room, let alone the house; and you’ve got a few generous slugs of peppermint schnapps in you, it can provide some entertainment.

Sometimes I think SyFy has, at any given time, several dozen crews filming in various Eastern European countries, because MAN ALIVE, do they churn out the crap. Some of it is crap that was actually filmed by production companies but that couldn’t find distribution, due to the heinous suckage. (I’m still waiting for the Birdemic premiere, you guys!) SyFy buys that shit up like Mormons stocking up on toilet paper at Costco. But some of it they actually produce themselves.

Anyway, in keeping with the ongoing “Let’s reboot a horror franchise that already sucked!” trend, they decided they needed to remake Children of the Corn. And I decided I needed to watch it last weekend, because hey why not? It followed the story a lot more closely than the original movie did — although they kept that ridiculous “creepy children’s choir vocalization” score from the original. Why were children’s voices found to be so universally unsettling in the 1980s? Was this just another way of crapping on Generation X?!

Also, it was VERY VERY IMPORTANT that the viewer was aware that the male half of the couple (hell if I can remember their names) was in ‘Nam. Both of them mentioned it like 87 times a minute. Also, there was this:

He’s having a flashback while murderous Old Testament-crazed children chase him through the corn. This scene went on for what felt like about 5 hours, by the way. I think they followed the story exactly, then realized they had only shot about 60 minutes of film, so they added all this weird crap to the end to drag it out. In addition to Johnny Get Your Gun here, there was also a scene where Isaac, the creepy little leader of the cult, directs an orgy. When they invent that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind memory erasing thingamajig, that scene is going to be first on the chopping block.

If I’m being honest, I only stuck around for the second hour because the guy that played Malachi was a hot little redheaded number, even if he did spend most of the movie with other people’s blood splattered all over his face. Which made me feel like a total creeper, until I looked him up on IMDb and saw that he was born in 1981. So, not an actual child; just a young man with a boyish face playing a teenager. Redemption! Apparently he’s on Heroes this season, but I don’t watch that show any more.

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