what the fuck is this shit?: please do not molest the bipedal sea monkey

I understand there are people who unironically wish they had been alive in the 1980s. These people are either too young to actually remember that decade; or they are all suffering long term memory damage as the result of severe head trauma. I mean sure, the music was good, and John Hughes was making movies that didn’t suck. But the Reagan years were also full of nightmarish nonsense like this vintage PSA:

It’s like Groundhog Day, if Bill Murray played a weird alien kid who, instead of seeing a rodent predict the weather every day, was constantly being raped by a succession of skeevy white guys.

In addition to everything else that’s baffling and bizarre about this PSA, Stranger Danger was a comically inept program that taught my generation that every passing stranger was plotting on bundling you into a windowless white van and diddling your bad touch areas. Of course, you’re far more likely to be molested by that creepy old bachelor uncle who constantly jingles the keys/coins in his pocket and always drinks too much at Thanksgiving.

A quarter century of brainwashing kids with this nonsense has led to lost children actually hiding from the people sent to rescue them, because they think the strangers are going to abduct them. This is what happens when you leave child safety policy up to pearl-clutching “concerned citizens”, instead of the police and other people who might actually know what the fuck they’re talking about.

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