thank you, corporate america, for handily color-coding all the shit we gals are supposed to buy!

Let’s see, I haven’t blogged about any stupid girly pink shit in a while. Dare we hope it’s gone away? Umm, no.

della_mtv_whats_new_v3Dell Computers recently launched the Della, a netbook aimed at women. Naturally, they all came in pastel colors and were touted as great ways to find recipes, manage our diets, and map our fitness routines. Wow, we’re still supposed to cook, even though we’re not allowed to eat?!

In the face of massive backlash for insulting half the human race with their condescending marketing, Dell has re-vamped the Della site. However, it still contains an online video on how to shop. *facepalm* And it’s still nearly impossible to find any specs on the netbook. Because numbers and technology confuse our tiny ladybrains!

pink ouija If there was one childhood toy that was completely gender-neutral, surely it was the Ouija Board. Well, thank god, they found a way to girl it up! Ouija For Girls is pink (of course!) and comes with a set of 72 question cards. Because boys are just naturally better at thinking of what to ask once you’ve contacted the spirits of the dead! Girls need a little help with it.

Alas, there is probably no card with the question “Why did Hasbro feel it necessary to pink ghetto-ize a cherished childhood toy with this stereotypical bullshit?” But there is one that asks “How many calories am I burning off right now?” Head, meet desk!

konkatsu-braLook, I know Japan is concerned about their falling birth rate. And rightly so: elder care is already a big problem in their country, because there simply aren’t enough young people to take care of the disproportionately larger elderly population. But I don’t think this Marriage-Hunting Bra is really the answer. It’s got a countdown clock (Do your ovaries explode when it hits zero? I’m not really clear on the concept.), a holder for the traditional seal used to sign marriage contracts, and a ring compartment that plays The Wedding March when filled.

This is a joke/concept product, but it’s still worth mentioning because if there wasn’t real concern over Japanese women getting married later (average age 28 — those shameless old hags!), it wouldn’t exist. Here’s some advice, Japan: Women would probably be more amenable to marriage and procreation if they weren’t expected to give up their careers, every semblance of a social life, and their very identities for decades of drab domestic drudgery spent changing diapers and waiting on husbands to come home from the karaoke bars where they’ve been getting hammered and flirting with hostesses dressed like schoolgirls. You’re welcome!

fling-chocolateSick of pink yet? Well too bad, because I saved the most infuriating for last! “Fling” is a new candy bar that manages to cram every single tired stereotype about women into one head-splodey pink package. It’s called a “fling”, because women aren’t really supposed to consume calories, in spite of being crazy for chocolate, so it’s “naughty”! But that’s okay, because it’s only 85 calories! Oh, and it’s glittery. No, really.

If all that doesn’t gross you out, how about this:

Wrapped in a shiny pink and sliver package, this delicate “chocolate finger” is intended for women. The word “finger” is an industry term for a long, slim confection, Mars spokesman Ryan Bowling says, but with ads that invite you to “Pleasure yourself” in pink lettering, consumers might come to other conclusions.

Until we can work out our fucked up Puritan attitudes to both food and sex, I don’t think we should be mixing them up.

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