say goodbye to hollywood: actors continue trend of IRL flouncing

Fuckin' amateurs. THIS is how you do it.

Fuckin' amateurs. THIS is how you do it.

Joaquin Phoenix’s crazy-ass retirement from acting to be a rapper/possible Andy Kaufman-esque practical joke seems to have started an exodus of sorts. However, most of the current crop of retirees have loftier career goals than “look like a Section 8 hobo and flummox David Letterman while occasionally ‘rapping'”. Just as well. Trying to out-insane the Joaquin would probably involve taking enough mescaline to kill an elephant. It shouldn’t even be attempted.

Kal Penn is going to work for the Obama administration! We’re not sure what Viggo Mortenson‘s plans are, but isn’t he also some kind of artist? He’s probably going to devote his time to sculpting hobbits. Or I dunno, working on a dude ranch or something, I hear he also likes horses. Nicole Kidman was threatening to quit acting after everyone made fun of her last stupid movie, but was all LOL J/K! after she realized no one cared.

Sadly, the one impending retirement I was actually looking forward to, Robert Pattinson‘s, turned out to be an April Fool’s Day hoax. Curses! Not that I have anything against him — there are worse actors doing well (coughKeanuReevescough), and his alarm and trepidation over the antics of rabid Twatlighters continues to amuse. But I was looking forward to seeing said Twatlighters’ heads literally explode.

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