never get attached to a phoenix sibling’s career, they’ll just break your heart one way or another

joaquin phoenix bye good To quote RDJ in Zodiac: This can no longer be ignored. “This” being Joaquin Phoenix’s decision to retire from acting, first to be in a rock band, then — presumably when he remembered that he isn’t actually Johnny Cash — as a rapper under the tutelage of Diddy.

His debut was in Las Vegas earlier this week, and it was about as awful as one might imagine it to be. (Also, he fell.) As Best Week Ever’s Dan Hopper put it:

This clip is a quarter notch above Phoenix yelling “My name is Joaquin and I’m here to say, I love to rap in a major way!” while someone chants “Go Joaquin, it’s your birthday” and he breaks into an impromptu running man.

So what’s the explanation for this seeming career suicide? The result of being reared in a cult? Did that frog finally eat his brain?

The fact that brother-in-law and brofriend Casey Affleck is filming this trainwreck for a “documentary” makes me wonder if this isn’t some elaborate, Andy Kaufman-esque performance art/practical joke piece that will culminate in Phoenix challenging Kirstie Alley to a wrestling match. The only problem with that theory is that Joaquin Phoenix just doesn’t seem bright enough to have thought of this on his own. For fuck’s sake, the man can’t even spell his own name! This is your brain on too many ‘shrooms, kids.

Research into this insanity has uncovered the fact that the last movie he filmed before seemingly going bugfuck crazy involved him having to watch insufferable bitch Gwyneth Paltrow bare and stroke her breast. I don’t think this is a coincidence. I mean okay, on paper she’s not unattractive (thin, white, blonde: check); but she’s so uptight, and fuller of herself than a set of Russian nesting dolls. It would be like watching Martha Stewart pleasure herself — although ever since she went to the slammer and started hanging out with Snoop Dogg, even she’s got some cred.

But Gwynnie, with her precious newsletter (blogging’s too plebian for the likes of Ms. Paltrow!) full of anecdotes about her personal trainer and recipes for spelt flour biscuits and “economical” gift suggestions of $2000 Hermès watches? I think it’s obvious what’s going on here: the effort needed to feign arousal at the sight of Gwyneth’s WASP-y bewbs led to Joaquin’s complete mental breakdown.


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