pre-emptive reviews of movies that are probably going to be better viewed under the influence

This is a bit of an recurring feature at Public School Intelligentsia, and the first time I’ve tried my hand at it.

Bangkok Dangerous, Grade: B-

Sorry Nic! As dementedly awesome as this scene where you cut off a guy’s arm with a boat propeller, pluck the gun from his severed hand, and shoot him with it is, I have the feeling that it’s going to be the sole money shot. So why should I spend $10 to see the rest of the movie (which looks to include lots of boring voice-overs in Cage’s trademark soporific drone — I can nap at home for free!), when I can just bookmark this clip and watch it 20 times in a row?

Besides, nothing will ever, ever top the cinematic masterpiece that was your remake of The Wicker Man. You should just retire.

Twilight, Grade: D.

Subtract the two best things about Stephanie Meyer’s “teenaged vampires in love” series: Meyer’s juvenile, fanfictastic writing; and the fact that Edward Cullen sparkles in daylight? All you’re left with is a laughably stupid vampire mythology and pretty Robert Pattinson. I’ll just stay home and watch my DVD of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire with my finger on the pause button, and try not to think about Chris Hansen busting down my door.

Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Grade: C

As in OMG, SEE  THIS MOVIE ON ‘SHROOMS.

I know, it’s tempting to launch into an outraged PC rant about Mexican stereotypes. But you watch the trailer, and then try look me in the eye and tell me you aren’t wondering where to score on opening night. You can’t, can you?

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