entertainment weekly’s “twilight” cover is here, and it’s HILARIOUS

There are many things hilariously wrong about this cover — indeed, about the whole Twilight phenom — but I think the one I most want answered right now is: Why on earth is Edward/Robert’s belt buckled on the side??

Also, his hair is… unfortunate. Is that on purpose? Is it going to look like that for the whole movie??

Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn’t get used to it, though I’d been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday’s hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn’t sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.

There’s basically nothing about Twilight that I don’t find utterly ridiculous, but yet somehow it fascinates me. The books are just so terribly-written, they literally are like fancfiction — bad fanfiction (the use of 3 adjectives where one will do; the minute description of clothing and hairstyles; the way everything is told by the first-person narrative, rather than shown through the dialogue or circumstance) — with Bella as the ultimate Mary Sue.

And the more you criticize them, the more hysterical its legions of 12-year-old-girl fans will get. If you venture into the comments of any Twilight-related post on ONTD, they’re almost immediately inundated with scathing comments from haters and histrionic defenses in glittery, 48-point text.

It’s very amusing, how furiously worked up and divided some people get over something with absolutely no real importance or consequences.




Edit: I’m not going to be approving any more shittily-spelled CAPSLOCK whines from Twatlighters. So any  12-year-old girls and grown women who really should know better who are flocking here to piss and moan about how not everyone thinks these stupid books are better than unicorn porn can fuck off and go write some Jacob/Edward slashfic, or whatever it is that you fill all the time not spent dating on.


10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sarah
    Jul 09, 2008 @ 20:16:47

    Ok, I’ll agree that this cover is a bit … off. I do graphics work myself and, quite frankly, I think the cover looks like someone pasted to different pictures together. I mean, I had to look twice to make sure that was Kristen Stewart. And yes, Rob’s hair is a little too wild. I don’t even want to start on the rather awkward-looking apple.

    However, I will say this. I’m nineteen years old and my best friend is twenty. We do a lot of reading, and while we admit that the Twilight series isn’t the best writing-wise (New Moon especially), we enjoy the story immensely. I also disagree with your opinion of Bella being the ultimate Mary Sue. I’ve dabbled in fanfiction, both as a reader and a writer, and I’ve come across MANY a Mary Sue. Bella is no where CLOSE to some of these atrocities.

    Nah, Bella is a total Mary Sue stand-in for Stephanie Meyer. You can’t convice me otherwise. -ed.

  2. Bex
    Jul 09, 2008 @ 20:53:34

    After I saw the sparkling, rainbow decked-out Twilight cover of EW, I seriously sat and stared at it, LMAO for 5 minutes straight. I agree, the belt buckled on the side is, for lack of a better word, gay. What bothers me most though is that I think Edward/Robert’s fingernails are painted gold. That and his hairy, very non-marblesque chest.

    I don’t think the books are horribly written persay. They are teen fiction after all. If you think the actual books are like fanfiction, you should check out actual Twilight fanfiction. Now THAT is what I call terrible writing. Certain aspects of the book I would consider original, but the basic plot outline is not. They’re bad and addicting and fascinate us in very much the same way prime-time tv dramas do.

    Sorry, that “But it’s for teens!” defense has been used on me in the past; I didn’t buy it then and I ain’t buying it now. Just because your audience is teenagers is no excuse for terrible writing.

    And I shudder to think of what a black hole of suck Twilight fanfic would be. -ed.

  3. lonetruth
    Jul 10, 2008 @ 04:59:54

    Yes all teenagers are basically stupid. Plus, this vampire crap is ghey.

  4. Jodee
    Jul 10, 2008 @ 07:00:44

    The cover is alas so bad….

  5. rambleicious
    Jul 10, 2008 @ 07:36:45

    I have to agree with you – it’s a terrible and silly cover. His hair is utterly ridiculous.

    I’ve read the whole series and enjoyed it for what it is, a cheesy vampire story. It’s silly and melodramatic and laughably written in spots – but I read all three books. Twice.

    I have no shame and I enjoy vampire stories immensely – even the silly ones. They are like bad fanfiction – but I’ve read a lot of that too and found some of it to be a guilty pleasure.

    And you know what, I totally respect that. Lord knows I don’t spend all my time reading Sartre and Shakespeare. It’s not that people enjoy these books that I roll my eyes at, it’s the hysterical insistence that it’s OMG GREAT LITERATURE!!1!. -ed.

  6. june
    Jul 10, 2008 @ 10:50:12

    Yeah, it looks like total crap. It almost makes it looks like she’s the vampire (even if it looks fake.) This picture looks nothing like Edward & Bella. I almost puked looking at it.. What is with the Twilight movie and bad publicity pictures?!

    Anyways. I’m not trying to sway you or anything, a lot of die-hard fans have already attempted that with no luck, but I do enjoy Twilight. It’s melodramatic and weird but I’ve read the series a million times.

  7. Dora
    Jan 02, 2009 @ 11:03:01

    i love the movie and the book….. but the pictures r so ugly and edward and bella look so bad

  8. filthymermaid
    Mar 01, 2009 @ 21:16:08

    i agree completely about the twilight series…its basically purple prose for pre-teens…and, although i’m not normally this way, it kinda makes me want to go on a raging feminist spiel bc it is sooooo very insulting. what amazes me most is how many ADULT, otherwise self-respecting woman OPENLY ADMIT to loving this stuff and thinking that its great. I mean, if it’s your guilty pleasure that’s fine, i have plenty of my own 😉 but to imagine that this is good writing or even true romance instead of terrible terrible terrible horrible is beyond me.

    ps and the acting in the movie was terrible…the scenes between robert and kristen were so awkward that i wanted to die

  9. Bella (NOT the one from the story)
    Jun 02, 2009 @ 10:48:57

    It may be a somewhat good book. I enjoyed the basic layout of the story. The problem, in my opinion, was turning the story into a movie. The actors picked were a bit off. They were TOTALY wrong to play the parts. The description in the books are completely different, and the way the movies are made, completely shatter the stories. The cover picture is just …”wack!!!”
    It looks like two actors playing dress up. “Bella” is WAY too ugh! Bella doesnt even WEAR make up. She is a simple girl. In the cover it looks like she’s … not her. Like she’s the popular girl in school who got to play the part of a loser girl for a play but wants to personalize the part. It’s sickening!
    “Edward” eww no. just no.
    In the first book he’s got a detached personality, and if he’s grabing “bella,” he should be all like “back off” because he’s soooo protective of her. In this picture he seems like he’s all inviting like “oh hey let’s have a party.”
    It’s just such a shame how they KILLED the books.

  10. Bella (NOT the one from the story)
    Jun 02, 2009 @ 10:51:49

    Ps. He should SHAVE his chest. or something. “edward” does not have chest hair.

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