may is “do as i say, not as i do” month for pretty white gals!

Help help, I'm being oppressed!

Help help, I'm being oppressed!

First we have Bristol Palin, famous unwed teenage mother and daughter of the arial wolf-slaughterin’ snowbilly Queen of Alaska. She’s got a gig going around to schools and lecturing the younguns about how much being a teen mom sucks!

And if it’s hard for someone who gets to dump her kid with rich relatives while she galavants around the country getting paid to wag her finger; imagine how much it would really suck for the typical acne-riddled, Twilight-obsessed suburban teen slut, trying to subsist on the mistake burgers she fishes out of the trash during her unpaid forced overtime at McDonald’s.

And then there’s probably-soon-to-be-former Miss California, Carrie Prejean. She infamously lost her chance to be Miss USA earlier this month when gross, infantile Internet Monster Perez Hilton asked her about gay marriage and she spat out some garbled nonsense about “opposite marriage”. Dumb answer, Carrie! That lost you more points than visible camel toe during the swimsuit competition!

Prejean and the “Christian” organizations that swooped in to make her the fresh new face of homo-hating immediately started painting her as Jesus II. He was crucified for his beliefs; she lost out on a chance to wear a tiara and open malls. It’s the same thing!! So naturally, all kinds of crazy rumors about pageant officials buying her falsies and topless photos immediately started to surface, because conservatives still don’t get that this newfangled internet thing now makes these things very easy to find out.

Whatever, wake me up when the inevitable bestiality 3-way with Jerry Fallwell’s corpse photos surface.

maybe if it was a teacup from a carnival ride? THAT would impress me.

SPL94275_013Okay, this can no longer be ignored: What is the deal with the teacup Lady Gaga carries everywhere?

I know all these dumb white bitches have to have annoying affectations, because they sure as hell don’t have talent. But Gwen Stefani hauled around a troop of Japanese schoolgirls wearing bizarre matching outfits and punk-geisha make-up. Think of the effort all that coordination takes: you gotta pay their airfare and buy their clothes and have make-up artists and hair stylists and choreographers for them. And Lady Gaga wants me to be impressed with her dainty little cup and saucer?

Mind you, a lot of people say the Harajuku Girls are exploitative and smack more than a little of racism, and those people wouldn’t get an argument from me. They’re people, not exotic pets, and making them dance around in matching outfits plays into all kinds of yucky stereotypes about Asian women and submissiveness.

I’m just saying, on the scale of stupid, attention-whoring affectations, it’s impressive. I’m not going to be impressed with some bimbo-come-lately who’s all “Look at me! I have a teacup and old-timey lipstick!” GO BIG OR GO HOME, GAGA.

wait, the snakes were fighting monkeys? i must have gone for popcorn during that part.

Snakes on a Plane made its teevee debut last weekend. Gee, I wonder how they made the most infamous line in the movie network-friendly?

*spit take*

I don’t think this is a ham-handed network dub. It’s too seamless, and that’s clearly SLJ’s voice. Nowadays, a lot of movies will film a profanity-free alternate version at the same time or shortly after the principle filming. (Ironically, its main purpose is so it can be used as an inflight movie. I don’t know what kind of sadistic airline would show SoaP to its passengers, though.) As long as the consonants and syllable count are close enough to match the lip movements (thus “motherfuckin'” becomes “monkey-fightin'”), the producers usually don’t care what words are used. And there’s a tradition of using the most insane gibberish that the actors can get away with. There’s an extra on the Shaun of the Dead DVD about it.

So I would bet you money that SLJ purposely chose to yell the most bizarre combination of M-F adjectives he could think of. I wonder how many takes it took before he could do it with a straight face?

videos that go viral usually appeal to the cultural sensibilities of racist 6th graders*

Kill it with fire!

Kill it with fire!

Why is everyone acting as if Susan Boyle is some kind of grotesque gargoyle? Like, if she couldn’t sing, we’d all be justified in trying to light her on fire if she dared to show her hideously unbecoming form in public. She looks totally normal to me.

People, if someone who looks like Susan Boyle would make you stop, point, and shriek at her on the street, à la Invasion of the Body Snatchers, you need to turn off your teevee/computer, put down Us Weekly, take a deep breath, and remind yourself that 99% of humanity doesn’t actually look like Zac Efron and Megan Fox (ie. vapid and whorey). Chances are very big that you don’t, either.

Most people didn’t hit some kind of genetic lottery; then go on to employ a small army of physical trainers, dieticians, make-up artists, and hair stylists. Most people don’t work out 8 hours a day and barely survive on a diet of macrobiotic dust. Most people don’t have regular access to million-dollar designer clothing and diamonds the size of a racoon’s brain. Most people aren’t airbrushed and photoshopped into something resembling a plastic blow-up sex doll every time their photgraph is taken. Because for most people, looking flawless is not in their job description, and unless they’re clinically narcissistic, they can’t be arsed to do any of that.

I don’t understand why it isn’t enough to go “Holy shit, this regular woman no one’s ever heard of can fucking sing like an angel!”, instead of having to imply that she’s a disgusting troll, and good thing she can sing or we’d have to tie to her an anvil and chuck her off a bridge!

*Title shamelessly swiped from Productivity Decreaser.

say goodbye to hollywood: actors continue trend of IRL flouncing

Fuckin' amateurs. THIS is how you do it.

Fuckin' amateurs. THIS is how you do it.

Joaquin Phoenix’s crazy-ass retirement from acting to be a rapper/possible Andy Kaufman-esque practical joke seems to have started an exodus of sorts. However, most of the current crop of retirees have loftier career goals than “look like a Section 8 hobo and flummox David Letterman while occasionally ‘rapping'”. Just as well. Trying to out-insane the Joaquin would probably involve taking enough mescaline to kill an elephant. It shouldn’t even be attempted.

Kal Penn is going to work for the Obama administration! We’re not sure what Viggo Mortenson‘s plans are, but isn’t he also some kind of artist? He’s probably going to devote his time to sculpting hobbits. Or I dunno, working on a dude ranch or something, I hear he also likes horses. Nicole Kidman was threatening to quit acting after everyone made fun of her last stupid movie, but was all LOL J/K! after she realized no one cared.

Sadly, the one impending retirement I was actually looking forward to, Robert Pattinson‘s, turned out to be an April Fool’s Day hoax. Curses! Not that I have anything against him — there are worse actors doing well (coughKeanuReevescough), and his alarm and trepidation over the antics of rabid Twatlighters continues to amuse. But I was looking forward to seeing said Twatlighters’ heads literally explode.

the sound of a thousand training bras snapping: tween violence over twilight just made me buy online tix

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If you were worried that the frenzied fanjinks of crazed Twilight fans (known as Twatlighters to the discerning few) were going to die off after they all returned their copies of Breaking Dawn, fear not! The first movie in the series is coming out in a few weeks, and it’s causing unprecedented levels of tween insanity.

It reached a crescendo this week during the San Francisco stop of the press junket, when about 3,000 girls overwhelmed a Hot Topic (God, where else?) signing that had expected, max, 500 people. One girl got her nose broken, another fainted, and the police did everything but turn the firehoses on them.

Robert Pattinson, who plays Edward Cullen, the ridiculously perfect vampire hero of the series, also played Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and is therefore no stranger to fandoms that can get, for lack of a ruder descriptive, “intense”. And even he seems a little taken aback by the reactions:

“I don’t do anything but go to screaming sessions anymore,” Pattinson said. “I don’t know what my actual life is now.”

Or, as a commenter on ONTD wryly put it: “Harry Potter had cute kids going up to drunks and shouting ‘Expelliarmus!’. Twilight has broken noses.”

Pattinson’s also described the collective screaming of fangirls as something you’d expect to hear “at the gates of hell”, said reading the books made him uncomfortable because it was like reading Stephanie Meyer’s sexual fantasies, and has had to deal with such madness as 7-year-old girls asking him to bite her. Christ on a pogo stick, no wonder he looks baked all the time. This shit has got to rattle the nerves.

I’ll admit it, the weirdness of Twilight mania combined with RPattz’s obvious scorn for the role is kind of making me want to fill a flask with limoncello and vodka and go see it opening weekend. Who will brave the squealing hordes with me?!

the only thing billy mays makes me want to buy are earplugs

If you’ve ever had insomnia, you know who Billy Mays is. He’s the super-enthused shill for a variety of as-seen-on-TV products — including, hilariously, something called The Big City Slider Station, which cooks tiny burgers on both sides at once “without all the squishin’ and squashin’ or flippin’ and floppin!!”

His slicked-back hair, black beard and manic grin are so ubiquitous, I half-expected him to pop up at the start of last night’s Obama informercial and bellow “BILLY MAYS HERE!” in the perpetually turned-up-to-ll voice that starts all his pitches, as if he were known for being anything other than a pitchman.

He’s so ubiquitous, in fact, that he even gets on his own nerves. From the NYT Mag:

There he is hawking Mighty Putty (”THE EASY WAY TO FIX, FILL AND SEAL VIRTUALLY ANYTHING FAST AND MAKE IT LAST!”), the Handy Switch (”BECAUSE IT’S WIRELESS, YOU CAN PUT A LIGHT SWITCH WHERE YOU NEVER HAD ONE BEFORE!”), Simoniz Fix It scratch remover (”THE SCRATCH HAS MET ITS MATCH!”) and a mini-burger cooker called the Big City Slider Station (”THE UNIQUE DESIGN COOKS ALL SIDES AT ONCE, SO YOU NEVER HAVE TO FLIP ‘EM!”).

Frankly, that’s a little more Billy Mays than even Billy Mays can handle.

“If I see myself one more time today,” he groans, sounding genuinely weary, “I’m going to pull my hair out.”

But wait! There’s more!!

He recently started hawking health insurance and might be moving into mainstream advertising for companies like Pepsi. And naturally, he’s getting his own reality show, aptly titled Pitchmen. Because that’s how we roll here in in the US of A: taking the most annoying people in the world, whose voices are the aural equivalent of being stabbed repeatedly in the face with a ballpoint pen, and giving them as much airtime as we possibly can.

The only thing I want to see Billy Mays in are blooper reels where he gets hurt:

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