someone please inform faux news that “the onion” is not a real newspaper

This is why I would never wish for conservitards to disappear altogether. If you can’t be arsed to watch (but you really should), the above link is a clip from The Colbert Report, in which Stephen Colbert discusses a Fox & Friends report on the perils of catching herpes from playing beer pong. The only small problem with this ace reporting is that the original source of this startling news was a satirical website. Displaying their usual zeal for fact-checking, Faux News ran with it anyway.

They even managed to get commentary from a “doctor”, who I’m guessing went to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College, since she apparently believes that herpes, the flu, and mono could be spread this way. Because the ball bounced off the floor for a fraction of a second before landing in the cup. Umm, “doc”? Those illnesses are all viral. Viruses are passed person-to-person; they need a host to survive and don’t tend to hang out on surfaces. That’s why you can’t really catch herpes from a toilet seat, no matter how vehemently your college boyfriends may have protested otherwise. I don’t care how dirty the typical frat den floor is, unless someone with herpes literally fucked the ping-pong ball before bouncing it into the beer cup, there’s simply no way this is possible.

And to think, we all worried when Obama was elected that Stephen Colbert would run out of things to mock.

But anyway, back to my original point: I would never wish for conservatives to go away altogether. I just want them reduced to a powerless fringe group that’s been stripped of their last vestige of influence, so we can all point and laugh at them. They’re like the geeks biting heads off of chickens in an old-timey freak show, except you don’t have to feel guilty about gawking at them, because most of them chose to be that grotesquely stupid.

Look, when it comes to trying to be funny, liberals are better. We all know that. As I’ve pointed out many times, Ann Coulter really does think she’s being “funny” when she shrieks homophobic slurs at her political enemies or calls 9/11 widows slutz00rz. Because the poor things simply do not grok “humor”.

But one area where they definately excel is the “inadvertantly hilarious” type of humor. And I guarantee you, if conservitards ever go totally extinct, we’ll never again experience the joy of watching newscasters say things like “It’s all fun and games… until someone gets herpes” or holler “There’s bacteria on my ball!” with a totally straight face. And that would make me a sad panda.

sad-panda

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